Stories Link Copied 03.13.25

How I Got Over My Fear of Being “Too Much”

…and made more meaningful connections. BySamantha Feher

I think it was “talks too much in class.” That was the first time I’d ever considered that more wasn’t always better.

Growing up, every ride to school was a live Grouplove concert, complete with air guitar and invisible microphones. Easter egg coloring was an extreme sport. “More” was the name of my family’s game, and I wore my team colors proudly—on my heart and on my sleeve.

So I talked too much in class. That I could live with. The demerit came padded with friendship bracelets and birthday party invitations. 

But as the years went by, “too much” became something to be ashamed of. Sometimes, I’d hear people describe me as, “She’s…a lot.” The label, side-eyes, and snarky comments started to sting.

Eventually, I learned that it was more desirable to be “less.” Those who were “less” were invited to parties and asked to dances. So, by the time I got to college, I wore a “chill girl” mask so convincing I even had myself fooled. 

I dated one untameable boy after another (they all thought it was their idea) and joined the cool, we-barely-care sorority. I felt like a fraud, but it was better to feel like a fraud than a spectacle.

One boyfriend stuck around right up until graduation. He’d fallen in love with the chill girl, but he could see the cracks in my mask. He was quick to call them out—in front of friends, family, and strangers—any chance he got. 

One time, I made the mistake of shouting an answer at a rowdy trivia night, and he loudly told me to shut up and stop begging for attention. His friends pulled me aside to apologize on his behalf. The third (or was it fourth?) time we broke up, he said it outright: I was “too much.” What remained of the mask shattered. And thank goodness. 

Six years, 122 therapy sessions, four jobs, three boyfriends, and two apartments later, I’m unapologetically, shamelessly myself. 

I talk a lot in an effort to relate and connect with people through shared experience. I overexplain my intentions so I’m not misunderstood. I want to be heard, so I raise my volume. I’m forward and enthusiastic in a way that sometimes makes other people uncomfortable.

While I work to avoid being perceived as self-absorbed or even rude, I’m just being me. I think most of the “too much” girlies (or anyone who’s been labeled this way) can relate to all that. We’re not shy or placid or “chill” by nature, and sometimes people are put off by our strong personalities. It happens. But it doesn’t mean we’re too much. 

I sing (badly) at karaoke bars full of strangers. I belly laugh loudly and unabashedly. I cry when the tears come, whether it’s someone else’s definition of the right time and place or not. I tell people I love them every time they leave a room because I do. I dance in public, hug people the first time we meet, and call them afterward to see if they want to hang out sometime. I follow first on Instagram. I quadruple-text. I ask, “What are we?” I order another round. I ask the waitress her name. I remember it.

I found people who love me for me. And I’ve learned to embrace the parts of myself I used to think were flawed. Here’s how I did it.

I fell in love with myself.

After that college breakup, I was tempted to double down on my chill facade. But I was exhausted. I was tired of playing contortionist with my personality, constantly trying to fit it into too-tight spaces. Tired of withholding every opinion, every anecdote. Tired of nodding and smiling and laughing (quietly, of course) at the right times and never sharing in return. Tired of being nothing but a receptacle for other people to talk at or a prized accessory.

So, instead, I let go. All the me I’d been pushing down came flooding out of my every pore. It was easier than I thought. Pretending took years of curation, practice, and discipline—kicking myself for too-loud laughs and too-forward questions. Giving myself pep talks in the mirror before an event, promising my reflection that I’d be quiet and accommodating. But after I quit pretending, I discovered that being myself wasn’t hard at all.

It felt like going home. Growing up, I didn’t know anything else—I was me all the time, and I was celebrated for it. But my inner child hadn’t been seen or heard in ages. So when I held her again, she was starved for affection. I reminded her to take up space, to be vulnerable, and to be proud of her zeal for life. Taking care of her felt like the first deep breath after a head cold.

When that little girl was back on her feet, I felt a shift. Survival mode evolved into equilibrium. Once I was comfortable in my own skin, I realized, for the first time, that there was room for more of me. 

So I honored my curiosity, saying yes to everything that came my way—even the things I would’ve been shamed for in the past. I filmed funny videos to share online (“attention-seeking”). I did a stint on reality TV (“desperate”). I started a podcast (“nobody asked for this”).

I learned that there is no upper limit on joy and fulfillment. With permission to take up space, I saw a version of myself I was proud of, even impressed by. This one is earnest and passionate and loud and brave and happy—and I fell in love with her.

I surrounded myself with people who loved me.

In high school and college, life was a popularity contest. Were you invited to your favorite frat’s mountain weekend? Did you have a group of friends to pregame the date party with? How many people said hi to you in the library today? 

As such, I entered adulthood thinking that my value was measured by the number of people who loved me.

If I was “too much,” it meant I was too annoying, too emotional, too exhausting to be around all the time, and people would leave. So I spent a lot of time learning how to rein in my personality just enough to make people comfortable. 

I was so swept up in my efforts to make people like me that I rarely stopped to consider whether I liked them.

It took a lot of self-reflection to realize that, for the most part, I didn’t. Maybe I liked the idea of them (or the idea of them liking me), but these were not people I admired. They were judgy sorority girls, snarky coworkers, and douchebag guys with commitment issues. They made me feel bad about myself, like I needed to change to feel welcome. That’s not the kind of person I want to be or be around.

I started thinking about how other people made me feel, shedding the frenemies and situationships that made me feel small, unworthy, or stupid just for being myself. And when I met someone new who made me feel good—safe, loved, wanted—I held them close. I directed my time and energy toward those relationships because what you water grows. I wanted to grow that feeling forever.

Now, many of my friends have big personalities like mine. But the ones who don’t actually appreciate a big personality in a friend. I can help carry the mental and emotional load at social engagements, bring the energy, and articulate complicated or vulnerable thoughts and feelings. We fit like puzzle pieces.

I found community.

Today, I see and love myself for who I am—not who I think I should be. So, in a turn of events my elementary school report card no doubt manifested, I decided to make “talks too much in class” my full-time job. I’m leaning into my big personality.

When people come across me on TV, hear my podcast, or find my videos on their social media feed, they get what they see—in all my honest, extra, vulnerable, nonlinear glory. 

Of course, there are people who don’t like it. There always will be. But there are more who are curious and open, for whom my journey resonates deeply. 

For those people, my content is not a broadcast; it’s a dialogue. We trade stories, struggles, joys, learnings, and heartache. Connection is our currency, and the community just keeps growing.

If I can give you one piece of advice: Feel your big feelings and share them. Make space for others. Cherish them. Talk more. If you’re loud enough, you might just be heard all over the world.

The post How I Got Over My Fear of Being “Too Much” appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.24.25

10 Questions That’ll Help You Get to Know Anyone Better

Get ready to yap it up with literally anyone. ByKylie Gilbert

Whether it’s convenience, a habit, or a crutch, it’s easy to stop a conversation at “How’s it going?” or “The weather is crazy this week, right?” While small talk is a solid way to acknowledge someone in a pinch, like an elevator situation or bumping into someone at CVS, it can only take you so far. That’s why we all need a few questions to get to know someone better in our back pocket. 

Whether you’re on a second date, catching up with friends or family, or sussing out your new coworker, these questions to get to know someone can lead to deeper, more insightful conversations. Love that for us. 

With that in mind, we asked therapists for the Qs that will help you get more familiar with whoever you’re talking to—without making things weird. 

1. What’s something you’re feeling passionate about right now, and why?

Asking someone about what lights them up or gets them excited tells you a lot more about who they are than, “How’s work?” Whether it’s the status of their houseplants, something in the news, or a volunteer group they spend time with, asking what someone is passionate about sheds more light on what their life is like or what’s on their mind at that moment. 

When you understand what excites and motivates someone, you learn about what occupies their brain space, says psychotherapist Rachel Wright, LMFT. That’s super valuable information for understanding and connection, she adds. “Someone’s passions can often reflect personal values, goals, or emotional investments.” Plus, when people talk about what lights them up, it tends to make the conversation more enjoyable for both of you.

2. When do you feel the most like yourself?

This question to get to know someone moves beyond what they love to when they feel the most at ease. “Rather than asking about someone’s hobbies or what they do for work, this question uncovers where and when someone feels most authentic,” Wright says. 

Their answers can reveal not just their interests, but the spaces, people, and experiences that bring them comfort, she says. In other words, this insight helps you understand what makes them feel content.

3. If you woke up one day and your life felt truly fulfilling, what would it look like?

This question invites them to imagine their ideal life—beyond the daily routine. “It lets someone break free from the here and now and dream without limits,” says therapist Moe Ari Brown, LMFT. When you invite someone to use their imagination like this, it helps reveal parts of themselves they might usually keep close to the chest, he explains. 

You’re giving them an opportunity to express dreams that feel out of reach to bring up otherwise, Brown adds. It also reveals how much of their life right now is aligned with their goals. That’s useful for them and you (especially if you’re already close to this person and want to support their goals). 

4. What’s a small moment in your life that had a big impact on you?

Maybe it was a random conversation with a stranger that changed the way they see the world. Or perhaps it was a mental health walk in the park that led to a life-changing realization. These smaller moments don’t always get the attention they deserve but they often hold meaning, says Wright. 

Though we’re all pretty quick to spout off our big milestones, those micro-moments can offer a deeper understanding of someone, Wright adds. You might learn more about how their day-to-day shapes their goals, what’s important to them, or how they’ve changed over time.

5. What is an activity that makes you lose track of time? 

ICYMI, when you do something that you’re so deeply engaged with that you forget how much time has passed, that’s called flow, says Brown. Finding out what stuff brings them ~flow~ gives you an idea of the things that bring them joy. Maybe it’s writing or cooking or listening to a certain album, you may discover some common ground, Brown explains. If you both love an Ina Garten recipe, that might bring you closer or strengthen your bond. If their flow state is set off by something totally different than yours, that’s still great intel on who this person is and what lights them up. 

6. What’s something you’ve recently learned about yourself?

This question is all about reflecting on personal growth—something that usually doesn’t come up in small talk. “It helps keep the conversation in the present moment and gives you insight into their journey of self-discovery,” Wright says. You might learn about their emotional growth, new perspectives, or life transitions, and whether they’re open to learning and evolving, she explains.

That could lead to a conversation about emotions, shifting priorities, or boundaries, Brown says. It lets you connect with who they are today, not who they were yesterday—and gives you the chance to do the same. But, hey, even if their answer is something like, “I learned I actually hate kale,” that’s something too! 

7. What always makes you smile? 

“This question might seem chill, but it’s low-key deep,” Brown says. That’s because you’re learning more about what makes them happy. It could be a YouTube video, a meme, a hobby, a TV show, a ritual, or a memory, but, whatever it is, it lets you in on their sense of humor or where they find joy (or both). 

That’s good information, and it’s also an easy way to connect. If it’s a memory they share, validating why they love it is a good way in. If you have a relatable story, you could share that too. If it’s a pop culture moment, you could even watch it together. Close relationships thrive on those small but significant moments, says Brown. 

8. What do your most fulfilling connections feel like?

This question is great because it works in any kind of relationship—romantic, friendship, or even professional, says Brown. It helps you understand what someone truly values in their connections, beyond just surface-level traits. Do they want relationships that feel effortless and lighthearted? Do they thrive on deep, late-night talks? Or do they feel most connected through spontaneous plans? 

If you’re already close, it can open up a conversation about how you show up for each other. If they say their strongest relationships make them feel supported and understood, you can ask, “How do you like people to support you?”

9. What’s something you’ve changed your mind about recently?

This question is all about exploring personal growth, flexibility, and self-awareness, says Wright. It opens the door to meaningful discussions about evolving beliefs, values, and perspectives. Plus, it reveals how open they are to change and how they approach life. “It’s helpful to know if someone can change their mind when presented with new information,” Wright adds. This question invites growth and connection, without making things awkward.

10. What kind of person do you hope to be in your relationships, and what helps you show up that way?

This question is all about self-awareness, says Brown. After all, most of us focus on what we want from others without stopping to think about how we participate in the relationship, he adds. 

So, their answer could reveal qualities they’re working on—like patience, communication, or being more spontaneous—and what might be holding them back, Brown adds. It’s a great way to get a peek into how someone sees themself and their interactions with others. 

The post 10 Questions That’ll Help You Get to Know Anyone Better appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 02.21.25

16 People Who’ve Been Cheated on Share How They Coped

Please clap for growth! BySam Brodsky

Not to state the obvious, but cheating is the worst. It’s a massive violation of trust in a relationship and it can feel like betrayal. When your person does something shady behind your back (such as cheating), it can make your life seem like a lie, says therapist Brianna Brunner, LCSW, owner of Couples Therapy Services. So, it makes sense that we don’t know how to stop overthinking being cheated on.

In the wake of infidelity, loneliness, anger, and confusion can flood your brain, making it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You might even start ruminating over who else could hurt you, Brunner notes. Oof.

You may start to doubt your worth after your partner cheats too, says therapist Jessica Fernandez, LMFT. That could look like questioning whether you made your partner cheat or wondering if you’re “enough,” she explains. (Sure, sometimes people cheat when they don’t get what they want out of a relationship, but that’s not necessarily on you.)

Regardless of how your relationship ends (or continues), dealing with the fallout of infidelity is a good opportunity to work on yourself. For example, a little self-awareness can help you decide what works best for your love life and what you won’t tolerate. Ask yourself what kind of partner you want to be and what you want out of a relationship, suggests Fernandez.

But there’s so much more that can help you stop overthinking after being cheated on and actually heal. Here, we asked people how they got over being cheated on. From utilizing their support systems to finding forgiveness, they explain what surviving infidelity can look like.

1. I tried to find the bigger meaning.

“I was broken, and I didn’t feel like myself for a long time. He had been cheating on me the whole relationship. After I found out, I had this overwhelming fear that I wasn’t good enough. What really helped me get over being cheated on was tapping into spirituality and believing in something greater than myself. In other words, I tried to reframe this as a lesson from the universe: I was meant to go through this pain because the universe wanted to teach me something. Over time, I found that my lesson was about learning to respect myself, draw boundaries, and never settle for anything less than I deserve. It took two years to finally find a sense of peace.” —Smriti R., 30

2. I finally prioritized myself.

“When I was cheated on about nine years ago, I was so angry and distraught—especially because I thought I was going to marry this man. It took a solid three years of being single before I was ready to put myself out there again and trust potential partners. Thankfully, I was able to heal during that period of singleness. Taking that time was huge for my emotional well-being and becoming ready to date. Spending time single helped me focus on finding my identity. I dove into friendships, hobbies, and career interests. I also regained my confidence. After losing myself in that relationship, I really needed time for self-discovery and to prioritize myself in a way that I couldn’t before.” —Anonymous, 28 

3. I connected with other people who could relate.

“Having friends share their own stories about cheating helped me realize I was not alone.” —Anonymous

4. I redefined what I deserved.

“After being cheated on, my friends reminded me of my strength and my family held me. But the small moments of solitude, where I let myself feel everything without guilt, helped too. Writing became my escape and music became my refuge. Slowly, I started to rebuild. With time, I realized that this betrayal said more about them than me. I deserved better, and I still do. And no matter how much it hurt, I refused to let this define my worth.” —Kristina, 22

5. I focused on myself.

“When I found out I’d been cheated on, I simultaneously broke down and shut down emotionally. It was something I’d been anticipating for a while. He was going off to college, and I had a feeling in my gut that, judging by the way he stopped making me feel secure in our relationship, it could happen. Two months into his first semester, we were broken up and he had moved on.

I unfollowed him on Instagram. I deleted him from my friend list on Facebook. I deleted his number from my phone. We were together for years, and when you’re 18 to 21, that’s your entire world. It’s all you know. 

Because I was so dependent on him for my happiness, I hadn’t thought too much about myself and my future. I was thinking about our  future. Redirecting my focus and attention to my career was a game changer. I applied to internships in the city, and I found one within months. 

I like to think fitness also saved me. I started running on the treadmill and lifting weights. Focusing on bettering myself, for myself, with the encouragement of those around me, got me through it. I came out on the other side better than ever. 

A year later, I was applying to my second internship, I was physically healthier, and I started dating my now-husband.” —Anonymous

6. I went to couples counseling.

“My boyfriend at the time was always ‘friends’ with my female best friend, and he emotionally cheated on me for the duration of our two-year relationship and then physically cheated on me in the end with her. It made me paranoid, distrusting, and unsure of myself for months.

When I started dating my current boyfriend, I was really skeptical. I assumed everyone was going to leave me eventually. A year into our relationship, I saw a text come across his phone from a female co-worker who happened to just text him out of the blue, and I relapsed emotionally, crying and placing blame on him. We had to go to couples therapy afterwards, where we realized I still hadn’t completely healed and let my guard down from my previous heartbreak. 

It took many honest conversations and therapy sessions to realize that my current boyfriend is worthy of total trust. I try to catch myself when I’m repeating old patterns or old defense mechanisms, and I’m constantly learning to let go and trust again.” —Emma C., 24

7. I started to set boundaries.

“When my former partners cheated, it made me feel betrayed and deepened my trust issues with everyone around me. I started to even blame myself and question my own judgment. What helped me move past the betrayal and remove the blame from myself was understanding that bad things happen. You cannot control everything around you; you can only control your relationship with yourself and make healthy decisions. I started to set boundaries for what I cannot accept in a partner and move forward with clear communication.” —Lauren E., 30

8. I soaked in even small moments of joy.

“​​I was cheated on multiple times in my relationship. I dated a narcissist with serial cheating habits. When I found out the extent of what was going on, I felt numb and lost my sense of self and self-worth. An action I took was to step back and remind myself what brings me joy and then do it (whether big or small) to start the healing journey.” —Anonymous 

9. I started seeing a therapist. 

“My past partner cheated a lot for our three-and-a-half-year relationship. Half the time I was aware this was an issue. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from his cheating and abuse. In my current relationship, I often have thoughts and reactions that my current partner isn’t responsible for. I have trust issues and reoccurring nightmares that he will cheat. I attend dialectical behavior therapy, and we attend couples counseling to better understand each other and help one another. Both have helped immensely!” —Nina, 23

10. I talked it out with my support system.

“Being cheated on made me question everything I believed to be certain and made me doubt myself and my awareness. The first time it happened, I didn’t tell anyone. I was too embarrassed and humiliated by the fact that someone had done that to me. Also, sharing it at the time meant that I had to end things—because what would people think of me if I was cheated on and forgave him? But I ended things a few weeks later.

The next time it happened, I told my closest friends and family. It was difficult for me, but as soon as I found out, I got on the phone and texted a list of my closest people to let them know: This happened, I’m feeling this way, and I’m letting you know that I’m going to be needing your support. In my mind, I see it as me building my literal spider web of support as a coping mechanism! 

I spent a few days at my parents’ house and had a lot of time to cry and share what I was feeling without judgment. Day by day, I felt supported and was able to get back on my feet. It helped me understand my feelings better and have some feedback.” —Francisca, 29

11. Therapy helped me realize it wasn’t my fault.

“Honestly, therapy helped a lot. I went into my college’s counseling center almost immediately for some understanding and flat-out help. The entire situation was very complex, and certain friends were involved, so I couldn’t turn to other friends for help. I think I was more mad about the fact that I, for the majority of the relationship, was the one constantly getting accused of cheating (when I wasn’t), and all of those times were basically projections from him. I didn’t move into my next relationship having trust issues, thankfully, but I did feel confused, closed off, and unsure of why this happened.

Therapy really helped me understand that it wasn’t my fault. I felt lonely afterwards and wanted closure so badly but realized I didn’t need it to move on. Once I realized I didn’t need validation from this person, nor did I need anything else from him, I moved toward healthier activities and friend groups. That made me feel like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.” —Sam M., 27

12. I learned that I’m still worthy. 

“Finding out that my partner cheated made me feel worthless and like I wasn’t enough for anybody. I got on mental health medication and got help seeing that I was totally more than enough. I struggle with self-harm, and he said he couldn’t be with someone that ‘has those types of mental issues.’ That is what made me get help but also showed me that the right person will love me no matter what.” —Alyssa Q., 26

13. I tried new things by myself.

“It was soul-crushing, and therapy and rebuilding myself were necessary. I needed to learn who I was without him. I was in a relationship with this person for 10 years, so I didn’t have my own adult identity outside of that relationship. I moved to a new city while in that relationship, so I had to go explore. I had to figure out how I liked to spend my time and who I was. I think when you are young and in a relationship, you sometimes lose your sense of self and adopt a lot of your partner’s affinities. You have to make new friends and learn to spend time with yourself and like it! At first it was lonely, but then it is almost as if you date yourself. Go to restaurants by yourself, travel, watch movies! I did all of that.” —Melissa, 45

14. I shifted my perspective on a shitty situation.

“When my partner cheated on me, I was blindsided because I thought everything had been going well. I felt angry, ashamed, and mistrustful. My therapist helped me put the situation in perspective by giving me a journal to jot down my feelings in an uncensored way and get them out of my head. He said writing about the details of the infidelity twice (once when it’s raw and again a bit later when there’s distance) can help release anger, but focusing on them for longer than that won’t change the situation and can be upsetting. 

It’s so easy to become depressed, stressed, and worried about your love life when someone who meant so much to you hurts you so deeply, especially when you thought you were going to have a family and a future with that person. It can be difficult to see beyond the pain, though having a solid support network helped me focus on healing. It helped me see that the future is bright despite it being different than I had imagined.” —Ashley O., 30

15. I stopped blaming myself.

“The worst part of being cheated on truly is the violation of trust (both trust in myself and my choices and the trust I had for my partner). I felt like my world was flipped upside down. I couldn’t help but partially blame myself for choosing someone who would do this to me. 

Over time, with the help of my wonderful, wonderful counselor, I went through every inch of the relationship. It really helped me put the relationship away and release some of the feelings I was holding inside. Once I got the sadness, hurt, anger, and confusion out, there was less blame to come to terms with.

Then I sat down and made a list of everything I wanted in a future partner, and I realized that the boyfriend who cheated on me barely hit any of the things I was looking for. I had a new sense of ‘this is what I deserve.’” —Maggie S., 24

16. I figured out forgiveness.

“I think being with this person for 12 years of my life was the biggest reason that the cheating cut so deep. The first few days and weeks after finding out, it was hard to get through a day without sobbing. It just came in waves. Sadness felt like a thick, heavy puffer jacket I was wearing day in and day out. I also felt very angry. I was angry that he could ruin everything we built. I was angry at myself for ignoring the red flags in our relationship. 

But here are the things that helped me pull through: 1) Reiterating to myself that the cheating has nothing to do with me or my worth as a person. It’s a reflection of the cheater’s sense of self, their insecurities, and their need for validation and attention. 2) Reminding myself that I am not a victim and that I will make an even better future for myself. 3) Learning that forgiveness takes time and you should never pressure or rush yourself into forgiving someone, but forgiving that person lets you off the hook. It allows your brain and nervous system to break free from them and move on. It’s not something that needs to be said out loud or needs to be an action or conversation. It’s something that you can do in silence in your own head and heart.” —Taylor C., 29

These quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.

The post 16 People Who’ve Been Cheated on Share How They Coped appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 02.06.25

41 Questions That’ll Take Your Dates to the Next Level

Go deep without feeling weird. ByAlyssa “Lia” Mancao, LCSW

Dating can be awkward, uncomfortable, and anxiety-provoking (dating anxiety is a thing, by the way). If you’re not sitting in complete silence or getting hit with the ick, you’re tempted to launch a full-on interview or randomly fire off first date questions like, “So, uh, do you like cheese?” (IYKYK) 

Sure, not all first dates are nightmare fuel, but they’re often exhausting. Meeting a stranger, worrying whether they like you, and trying to keep the conversation flowing with the best questions to ask on a first date is a lot.

And when you feel uncomfortable, you might avoid getting into the topics that matter. Unfortunately for all of us, trying to come across as chill or “someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously” is just a recipe for getting stuck in a situationship. Sigh.

As a licensed psychotherapist who guides folks through a range of relationship and dating concerns, I know we’re not all doomed. Becoming more comfortable starts with having a conversation roadmap that includes questions to ask, when to ask them, and how to ask them. Trust me, that small step can make a huge difference.

So, before your next rendezvous, check out these Qs you can use to steer any first date convo. (If you’re looking for more conversation inspo, these classic conversation starters, deep conversation starters, and Would You Rather questions for adults are very solid options.)

A few reminders before you save all these in your Notes app:

• Don’t fire them off like a job interview; pick the ones most important to you and weave them into your date using whatever language feels natural.
• If you struggle to keep the chat flowing, it’s OK to bring up something else by saying, “I have a question.”
• You should expect to respond to any “what about you?” follow-ups.  

Start with the basics. 

It’s important for both people to ease into a first date and feel comfortable with one another before unpacking trauma, for example. Skip the hard-hitting asks for now and focus on icebreakers that keep things light-hearted and offer clarity on your common interests. These introductory Qs are also a solid opportunity for you to see if they have a good sense of humor, can make polite conversation, and are curious about you too. All! Important! Things! 

1. What type of music do you like, and what’s the last concert you went to?
2. When you travel, do you like to have a packed itinerary for max efficiency or do you prefer a chill vibe with flexible plans? 
3. What’s one thing you’re looking forward to doing this year?
4. What are your top three favorite TV shows of all time?
5. What does a typical weekend look like for you? 

Get to know their values. 

One of the most common mistakes is overemphasizing chemistry and equating it with compatibility. In my experience, people often think that intense attraction or random coincidences (like having the same birthday) are signs that someone is their lobster. The dangerous part of that is developing a premature emotional and psychological attachment to someone you don’t really know. (This can make red flags harder to spot.) 

Meanwhile, true compatibility takes time to assess and unfold. It’s hard to tell if their workaholic tendencies vibe with your bed-rotting habit). Matching with someone would look like your values and long-term goals aligning, healthily navigating conflict together, and co-existing in the same living space. Figuring this out takes time. 

Truth is, we need chemistry and compatibility. While you can generally tell if the vibes are off the charts, determining if someone’s a good fit for you comes from weathering life’s ups and downs and asking lots of questions. Feel free to borrow any of these, and make sure you pay attention to their actions to make sure they’re consistent with the things they say.  

1. What qualities do you value in a romantic relationship?
2. How important is _____ to you? 
3. What’s your preference on paying at the end of a date?
4. If you had the power to address any cause or social issue, which one would you choose?
5. What role do your family and friends play in your life? Do you have a close relationship with them? 
6. Who would you consider your support system?
7. What’s your approach to finding work-life balance? Is that important to you? 

Dive into their past. 

Naturally, when you’re building a relationship, you want to learn everything there is to know about someone’s dating history or lack thereof because it gives you intel on their romantic patterns. Like, if they have a strong sexual attraction to a specific demographic based on some stereotypes, there could be some concerning fetishization going on there. Or if they have a track record of cheating, proceed with extreme caution. 

Unpacking someone’s past can also provide insight into where they’re at in their mental health journey. For instance, if they previously avoided dating altogether, you can learn more about what internal work they’ve done to get to this date with you.  

Of course, talking about the past and exes can be touchy. If you want to go deep on the first date, read the room and make sure the ice is fully broken before you dive in. Approaching these questions with a sensitive tone and adding the disclaimer “feel free to share as much as you’re comfortable with” is a thoughtful way to go.

1. Have you ever been in a serious relationship?
2. What’s the longest relationship you’ve been in?
3. Why did your last relationship end?
4. What’s your perspective on exes remaining friends after a breakup? Are you friends with any of your exes?
5. What’s something you’ve learned about yourself during your single years or from your last relationship? 
6. What are you looking for based on the relationships that you’ve been in or your time being single? 
7. What’s something that often triggered you in your previous relationships?
8. What do all your exes or crushes have in common? What do you think attracts you to them? 

Start the communication conversation. 

Communication is one of the core foundations of a healthy relationship, and knowing how someone conveys their thoughts can help you decide if a relationship with them is worth it. If you’re a talker who loves chatting on the phone while they prefer to limit communication until they see you IRL, you’ll likely end up feeling lonely. And I don’t want that for you! Remember to sprinkle in these questions to ensure you’re on the same page (and, again, see if their behaviors match their words).

1. Are you more of a texter or a caller? 
2. How do you show your appreciation in a relationship? How do you want your partner to show that they appreciate you?
3. How do you typically respond if something is bothering you? Say something? Get quiet? Ask for space? Process the situation for a while?
4. In the beginning of any relationship, how often do you like to talk to the person you’re getting to know?
5. What are your views on gender roles and their stereotypes? Do you feel that one person should take the lead in the relationship more in certain areas or that the relationship should be more collaborative? 

Sus out their intentions. 

Ideally, by the second or third date you’d establish your expectations or any boundaries and get some clarity on the other person’s goals for this connection. Most people are afraid to ask the “what do you want” types of questions because they don’t want to scare the other person. But if someone can’t give you an honest answer or takes this to mean you want to marry them on the second date, then this says more about them than you. To save yourself any wasted time or heartache, try to be direct early in the dating stage.  

1. What are you looking for? Something casual? Long-term? Lifelong? 
2. How would you describe your dating style? Do you tend to get to know one person at a time or multiple people at a time?
3. How long do you typically date someone before becoming exclusive?
4. What are your deal-breakers and non-negotiables for relationships?
5. What are your views on commitment, monogamy, or ethical non-monogamy? 

Cultivate intimacy. 

If you already have the basics down, like if you were friends first or have been dating for a bit, the questions you ask can go deeper. When you talk through these topics, they can help you develop more of a connection and a sense of vulnerability and intimacy with each other.

1. What is something I don’t already know about you?
2. What do you need to feel supported?
3. What are some goals you think we should have for our relationship, and why are those important to you?
4. What aspects of our friendship do you want to make sure is a staple in our relationship?
5. What helps you feel loved, safe, and protected in a romantic relationship?

Assess your post-date feelings.

Now that you’ve gotten to know someone new, it’s time to reflect on how it went—and whether they’re worth more space on your calendar. These prompts, which help you drill down your opinion of them, can do exactly that. Be as honest as you can.

1. How do I feel about the flow of conversation?
2. Did they ask me any questions and seem genuinely interested in getting to know me? Or was it a mostly one-sided experience?
3. Were they respectful of my boundaries and personal space? 
4. How did my interaction with them leave me feeling (hopeful, drained, excited)?
5. Did our time together feel too short or was I waiting for it to end?
6. Are we compatible in the areas of my life that matter most to me?

The post 41 Questions That’ll Take Your Dates to the Next Level appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 11.27.24

7 Ways to Build Emotional Intimacy In Your Relationships

“Let’s get emotional, emotional!” BySam Brodsky

When you think of couples who always seem happy together, you might picture that one PDA-heavy pair on your recent flight or your friend and their partner who insist they go everywhere together. Being physically close is cool and all, but not having that security on a feelings level too (aka emotional intimacy) can make it hard to sustain a lasting romantic relationship, says couples and sex therapist Rich Domenico, LICSW. 

Emotional intimacy means being open to learning new things about someone without judgment—and vice versa. It’s a “safe, emotional connection, where people feel like they can share their innermost thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes, and dreams—and that the other person will respond with curiosity, empathy, and kindness,” explains couples therapist and clinical psychologist Isabelle Morley, PsyD. Domenico agrees, saying it’s a bond where you know and accept each other on a deep level, including imperfections and vulnerabilities.

When you have this connection with anyone—especially a romantic partner—you fulfill a need that pretty much every human has: to be understood, says Domenico. Without it, you can get very lonely, even when you’re in a relationship, he notes. Plus, you might feel a sense of rejection, which can hurt, amplify your insecurities, and pressure you to say or do things a certain way to maintain your relationship, according to Dr. Morley. 

While emotional intimacy feels like being able to talk freely about anything, not  having it feels like the opposite. Maybe your chemistry and compatibility seems top-notch, but one of you is emotionally unavailable (or both of you are) so the whole thing feels a little surface level. Conversations are kind of superficial, notes Domenico. Maybe you refrain from sharing your wants and/or needs altogether, says Dr. Morley. You might also have a hunch that something is missing, even if you can’t fully suss out what it is, Domenico adds.

All of this points to intimacy issues, but working on your emotional bond isn’t just for people who are in that boat. You can always learn more about your partner because they’re constantly changing, says Dr. Morley. 

Ahead, we have expert-backed tips for building emotional intimacy with people you’re dating or in a committed relationship with. It might not be a breeze—and both of you need to be game for the work—but it’s definitely worth the connection! 

1. Get (and stay) curious. 

Talking about more than just how your day went is a great place to start when building emotional intimacy. And initiating these more-than-surface-level convos shows the person that you’re genuinely interested in getting to know them on a deeper level. “We feel like we’re bugging people with our thoughts and feelings, asking them to find time and wondering if they’re interested. So initiating shows that being close to them is important to you,” says Dr. Morley.  “You care enough to make the time in a world where there is  no time. That speaks volumes and makes people feel safe and heard and appreciated,” she adds. 

Instead of just asking how their day was, check in about anything specific (like a meeting or lunch), suggests Dr. Morley. And encourage them to keep sharing so your convo flows. Open-ended questions—”How do you feel about _____?” or “What do you hope comes from that?”—are typically better than those of the yes/no variety, she adds.

If you need additional inspo, Dr. Morley suggests playing therapist Esther Perel’s conversation-starter card game. Or, you can check out these questions for couples. You can even make this a weekly check-in, where you bring a few questions or things you want to tell each other to date-night dinner, she says. 

2. Make vulnerable chats more of a thing. 

Knowing the little things about your partner—like what ice cream they love, their favorite movie, and what side of the bed they prefer to sleep on—is nice and can show that you care. But emotional intimacy comes when you learn the deeper, more vulnerable things about each other—stuff that might feel risky to say—and you’re there for them anyway, notes Domenico. 

So the next time you feel nervous to tell your partner something you’re ashamed of, an issue you have with them, or uncomfortable emotions you’re experiencing, try to let it out, Domenico says. That said, be mindful of timing. Domenico suggests testing the waters before dropping a vulnerability bomb. You can try, “Is now a good time to check in about something?” or, “I’ve been wanting to share something kinda serious with you—do you mind if we go deep for a minute?” 

When you’re on the receiving end of a vulnerable chat, don’t forget to help the sharer feel comfortable by confirming when you’re ready to talk and by showing that you actually want to hear what they have to say, notes Domenico. You can make it a point to pay attention, comfort them physically (if you’re with them), and ask follow-up questions, he says. (FYI, a lot of this is part of active listening.)  

3. Don’t run away from conflict. 

We’re not telling you to start a fight with your fiancé for the hell of it. But being the couple that never  fights doesn’t necessarily mean you’re crushing it in the emotional intimacy department. Dealing with issues when they inevitably come up and practicing your conflict management skills helps you learn how to respectfully navigate hard things together, says Domenico.

When it comes to working through conflict, try empathizing with how the other person’s feeling and apologizing when needed, says Dr. Morley. Also, don’t be afraid to take a mid-fight break when things get too heated, she notes. 

Then, regrouping after conflict to assess how you both could have handled things better shows that you’re willing to be vulnerable and learn more about one another and your relationship. “When you’re in a fight, you’re not your best self. But, you can come back and say, ‘Hey, what about that felt terrible for you? What could I have done differently that would’ve made you feel more heard or less anxious? Did I do anything that helped you feel like I was listening?’” notes Dr. Morley. “If you invite that feedback, that makes people feel like, even in the worst moments and the hardest times, you are still interested in understanding each other and improving things.”

4. Do new things together. 

Sure, doing anything fun with your partner—like watching true crime documentaries or going on a bar crawl in your favorite city—can help you bond. That said, choosing an activity that’s new for both of you can build emotional intimacy because you’re risking embarrassment in front of each other, notes Dr. Morley. Again, it’s about vulnerability. “Whether that’s failing, looking silly, getting angry…it just gives you an opportunity for a novel experience to bring up conversation, feelings, fears, whatever it might be,” she says. (And, yeah, it could also be fun!) 

So try a TikTok dance for the first time. Learn a new language. Take up gardening or tennis. Explore a brand new place together. It can be literally anything as long as you’re getting out of your comfort zone!  

5. Do show and tell with old photos.

We’ve already established that emotional intimacy means trusting and knowing each other. Sharing nostalgic photos with your partner (and vice versa) is another way to be vulnerable because you’re letting them see a part of you that they’ve maybe never seen before, explains clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD, who works with individuals and couples. Photos also usually come with context about yourself, how you grew up, or your family, and, a lot of the time, diving into that can help you build a sense of safety between you, he notes. 

Find a time free from distractions to swap photos and the meaningful stories behind them. You can even do this in the weekly check-in that Dr. Morley talked about earlier. Whatever works for you!  

6. Show physical affection. 

OK, yes, we know this sounds more like physical intimacy, but hear us out. Being affectionate with your partner is another form of vulnerability that can boost emotional intimacy because it shows warmth and security, says Domenico. We’re not talking about sexual stuff, per se. Domenico suggests anything other than that, if you are open to it, to comfort each other and make each other feel safe. Think: cuddling, hugging, holding hands, massages.  

If you want to get super specific, Dr. Howes suggests a five-minute hug. “Take a relaxing, deep breath, and give one another a long embrace,” he instructs. “Just breathe into the moment and receive the love and warmth from your partner.” Being held can really make you feel emotionally close, says Dr. Howes. Give it a try—and you might get to talking while you’re at it!

7. Try going to therapy together. 

Emotional intimacy can be hard for people who aren’t used to disclosing their feelings or don’t trust others due to past hurt or trauma, says Domenico. So that’s why having a third-party therapist, especially a couples therapist, can help guide these conversations. 

Generally, you want to see a mental health professional before you’re having huge problems in your relationship, notes Dr. Morley. But couples counseling can be helpful at almost any stage of the relationship—whether you feel slightly disconnected or you’re about to give up. 

Aside from working through barriers that might be getting in the way of emotional intimacy, you can learn effective communication skills in therapy, notes Dr. Morley. Plus, just having that designated space with a mental health pro prioritizes getting deeper with your partner when you otherwise might not have the time, she says.

The post 7 Ways to Build Emotional Intimacy In Your Relationships appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 11.26.24

6 Signs It’s Time to Go “No Contact”

If you’ve done the work and it’s still not working, read this. ByJessie Van Amburg

“The last time I saw my mom, I didn’t know that would be the last time I would see her. And no, she’s not dead. We’re just no contact.” So begins a five-minute TikTok video. In it, a woman shares exactly what went down when she decided to cut things off with her mom for good: “I was fed up,” the creator Ashley D. said. “I’m just done with it, I’m not about to stay here to take this mental and verbal abuse just because I’m scared to be by myself.” 

Ashley’s story, sadly, is not unique. Going no contact—the idea of having limited to zero communication or interactions with a person—is the subject of hundreds of thousands of videos on TikTok. Whether it’s adult children talking about cutting off their parents after years of mistreatment, therapists weighing in on why it happens and how to navigate it, or parents grieving their children’s estrangement, the anecdotes keep rolling in.

It’s fairly taboo in most cultures to just cut ties with your family. (Blood is thicker than water, yadda, yadda, yadda.) But, sometimes, ending a relationship is necessary to protect your peace. “[No contact is] ultimately a person saying, ‘This relationship has become so unmanageable for me, and staying in contact is no longer an option,’” says Whitney Goodman, LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist and co-founder at Calling Home who specializes in adult family relationships. 

In other words, no contact is kind of like a “break glass in case of emergency” option for truly toxic relationships. “A lot of people who do not have experience with it assume that people go no contact after one disagreement,” says Kristen Gingrich, LCSW, a therapist and co-host of the Welcome to Group Therapy podcast. “The reality is that most of the time…it is after months, weeks, years of constant boundary violations, toxic behaviors, unsafe interactions, that have finally reached a peak.”  

How do you know if it’s right for you? We talked to some therapists to get the lowdown. 

What does no contact mean?

In its simplest terms, going no contact means that you’re no longer speaking to someone, says Goodman. It’s something someone does when a relationship cannot continue in its current form (or exist at all) because of how it’s affecting your mental health and well-being, says Gingrich. She says it typically applies to family relationships, but it can also be used in the context of romantic relationships or friendships.

Even though “no contact” sounds pretty cut and dry, it can actually exist on a spectrum (much like family estrangement). On one end is the total cut off, says Tracy Ross, LCSW, a couples and family therapist. “You’re not talking to the person. You’re not answering any emails, phone calls, any outreach, and there’s literally no contact,” she says. Then you have more of a partial cut-off, where you might still see that person at Thanksgiving or Grandma’s 80th birthday party, but otherwise you don’t interact with them, she says. 

At the other end is what Gingrich calls “low contact,” where a person makes very intentional, limited decisions on when to engage with someone—say, a short phone call on birthdays or exchanging cards on the holidays. 

Going no contact might be based on specific conditions rather than a permanent state, adds Goodman. You might decide not to speak to a person unless a problematic behavior changes, or until they commit to attending therapy with you.

How a person defines no contact ultimately depends on their specific circumstances. Say you want to go no contact with your estranged father, but don’t want to lose ties with his side of the family. You might have to accept that you will still see him on holidays and proceed accordingly. Basically, your interpretation  of no contact is valid, Gingrich says. 

That said, remember that no contact is meant to be a last-case scenario, not something you invoke right away with difficult family members or the friend that posts questionable stuff on Facebook. No contact is essentially the end of that relationship as you both know it—and experts caution against using that to avoid an awkward or uncomfortable conversation with every person you don’t get along with. “I would not cut off before giving [the relationship] a real try, and seeing if the person is open to understanding or willing to take responsibility,” says Ross. “Try to address the conflict.” Because, as we’ll discuss shortly, the consequences for no contact can be steep—and require some very serious consideration. 

6 signs no contact could be right for you

Deciding whether to cut someone out of your life (completely or partially) ) can feel complicated and loaded, even if you know it’s a solid option. Here, experts share several scenarios when it’s worth reevaluating how much contact you have with them.

1. It’s a physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive relationship.

All three experts say going no contact with someone who is consistently causing harm—whether it’s verbal abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation, or other cruel treatment—might be your best option to stay safe. They’re not entitled to treat you this way, says Goodman. 

2. Spending time with them sends you into self-destruction mode. 

“If someone is encouraging you to harm yourself or promotes self-destructive behavior, they’re likely not a positive influence in your life,” says Goodman. This could manifest in a bunch of different ways—say, a risk-loving friend constantly peer-pressures you into doing dangerous stuff when you’re together, or your mom’s constant criticism or cruelty triggers you and makes it hard to maintain your sobriety. (Not liking who you are or what you turn into with that person is another troubling sign, adds Gingrich.) In those kinds of cases, going no contact or low contact would likely be essential for your mental or physical health. 

3. They’re legit ruining your mental health. 

If you consistently feel like spending time with someone leaves you “more harmed than helped,” limiting contact with them might improve your life, Gingrich says. 

This might not seem that serious in one-off incidents, but over time, sustained contact with a person who makes you feel awful can be toxic to your well-being and your shared relationships, says Ross. Take an overly-involved mother who uses you like a free therapist, she says—without boundaries, you might struggle to have your own life because you’re so caught up in hers. Or if your super conservative father-in-law always picks on you at family gatherings, it could cause tension between you and your partner and other relationships. 

Since this isn’t straight-up abuse, you might feel conflicted. When that’s the case, you can ask yourself, How does this person behave 90 percent of the time? What is it like when you see them? How does it feel after you’ve spent time with them? says Goodman. Those Qs can help you get a clearer picture of how they’re affecting you. “Limiting your time with these people and setting specific boundaries if you need to be around them is important,” she adds.

4. They constantly dismiss your boundaries and they refuse to take accountability or work to salvage the relationship. 

The goal of boundaries is to help people maintain healthy relationships—not keep them apart. Of course, creating guardrails doesn’t necessarily mean the people in your life will stay within them. And if they keep disrespecting those boundaries, even with reminders, they might just not be willing to change their behavior. 

“I believe that if someone is being hateful and they have been told how this is hurting you, yet they continue to do so, this is a person who does not have your best interest at heart,” says Goodman. “They are likely not capable of having a reciprocal healthy relationship with you.”

This can be really disheartening when you want this person in your life, but sometimes there may be specific things you need and they’re unwilling to budge on—whether it’s finally accepting your sexuality, not criticizing your weight every chance they get, or simply avoiding the topic of politics or religion when you get together. If they know how important this boundary is to you and they still refuse to compromise in a way that lets you maintain a relationship, it’s hard to find a path forward. 

5. You’ve tried literally everything to make a relationship work. 

To an outside observer, completely cutting someone off might seem extreme. But, as we said, people rarely go no contact because of one disagreement. Going no contact usually happens after someone has done everything in their power to repair the relationship, says Goodman. 

Things like setting boundaries, seeing someone less often, and addressing their behavior head-on can all help to heal a messy relationship. But if they don’t make a dent in the chaos, change might not be possible for them. That means you’d have to sacrifice your own needs and emotional health for the sake of staying in contact with them. Is that worth it? Maybe! But also maybe not. 

“I think once people accept who the other person is, and maybe get clear on, ‘I can’t make them change,’ they’re able to make the best decision for themselves,” Goodman says.

6. You’ve accepted the consequences.

Regardless of how necessary it may be for you or your family, all three experts say that going no contact can come with steep ramifications. “There’s a lot of loss,” Ross says. Sometimes that loss is the relationship with the person you’re going no contact with, other times it’s the loss of connection to the other people involved in your relationship, like extended family or mutual friends. 

When it comes to family, siblings can get caught in the middle, as can family gatherings, funerals, and sick family members. “All of this stuff becomes really complicated in a different way when you’ve gone no contact with someone.” 

“Going no contact for me meant that I lost my mother,” says Gingrich. “My child will never know his grandmother.” 

OK, so what do I do now? 

Feeling personally victimized by everything on this list? It’s time to start talking about this with a trusted person—a therapist, a support group, or a really good friend, says Goodman. This can help you work through the decision and process the consequences.

Sometimes, people find that all of the therapy and boundary resetting in the world isn’t enough. “A lot of people start this process from the lens of, ‘How can I make this person change so that they can be in my life?’” Goodman says. But that doesn’t always work, she adds.

Instead, consider what you can do to protect yourself or shift the terms of the relationship so it works better for you. Sometimes that means going no contact, says Goodman. Other times, it might mean just seeing someone periodically, or only talking to them on the phone once a year. 

If you’re really struggling in a relationship with someone toxic, it’s good to know this option exists if you need it. And it’s a valid one. “Adults get to decide who’s in their life no matter what,” says Goodman.

The post 6 Signs It’s Time to Go “No Contact” appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 11.26.24

How to Tell if You Have an Insecure Attachment Style

You’re not doomed, but here’s what to do about it. ByAshley Laderer

If you haven’t spent a significant amount of time talking or thinking about attachment styles lately, then you probably have a much healthier screen time report than we do. Thanks to social media, everybody and their mom has heard about attachment theory and the ways it can show up in our interactions with others. One of the biggest sources of drama, according to the internet, is an insecure attachment style. 

Whether you just surfaced from an #attachmentstyles rabbit hole on TikTok or never heard of her, here we explain what an insecure attachment style is, how you can tell if you have it, and what to do next. Here we go! 

What is an insecure attachment style?

The short answer: It’s anything that isn’t a secure attachment style. But to understand what that means, we need to rewind a bit and cover attachment theory. 

Attachment theory was developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s and expanded on years later by psychologist Mary D. Ainsworth, PhD, according to the American Psychological Association (APA). The theory suggests that humans need to form close emotional bonds with their caregivers (and with people in general) to survive. It also surmises that there are different types of relationships between infants and caregivers (some healthier than others), and those relationships can go on to affect that child’s emotional growth as they get older, per the APA.

Dr. Ainsworth reported that the more sensitive and responsive a parent is to a child’s needs, the more likely that child is to have a secure attachment—aka the best kind of attachment. And that idea has been backed up by lots of research since.

Babies develop a secure attachment when their caregivers consistently meet their physical and emotional needs during their first year, says therapist Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, who treats clients with insecure attachment. When parents don’t respond to a child’s cries or provide a safe and stable environment, it can lead to an insecure attachment, Groskopf says. “Insecure attachment is fundamentally a survival strategy,” she explains.

The idea is that we change our response to our caregivers to get our needs met. Sometimes that means ramping up the crying, screaming, or being unsoothable to keep our parents’ attention, she explains. Other times, you might avoid displaying emotion because your parents have consistently let you down when you’ve shown distress in the past, she adds. 

Over the years, psychologists found that attachment theory also applied to romantic relationships. And while the attachment styles we have in our adult relationships might be the same ones we developed with our caregivers early on in life, that’s not always the case for everyone. Plus, an insecure attachment style in dating isn’t always caused by caretakers—you can also develop an insecure attachment from unhealthy relationships, says Michelle Mouhtis, LCSW, a therapist who specializes in relationships.

Finally, It’s important to note that attachment styles aren’t necessarily static. “Although people who are secure in one relationship—such as relationships with parents—tend to be secure in other relationships too—such as relationships with partners—there is nothing deterministic about this pattern,” says R. Chris Fraley, PhD, who specializes in attachment theory. “Indeed, many people have different kinds of attachments with different people in their lives. It is quite common for people to have a secure relationship with a parent but an insecure relationship with their current partner.”

Types of insecure attachment styles 

According to Dr. Ainsworth’s research and the attachment studies that followed, insecure attachment styles fall into one of three categories: avoidant attachment, resistant/ambivalent attachment (now often referred to as anxious attachment), and disorganized attachment.

Here’s the difference between these three types of insecure attachment.

Anxious attachment: “People with an anxious attachment style crave and desire intimacy, but they’re fixated on whether the other person likes them back,” says Mouhtis. If you have this style, you probably struggle with a fear of abandonment too. 

Anxious attachment is typically the result of a caretaker who’s inconsistent, Mouhtis says. Maybe they were loving and attentive some of the time, but they could also be MIA, moody, or angry. As a result, you can become hyper-aware of other people’s emotions, work to anticipate their needs, and abandon your own. 

Avoidant attachment: It’s not that people with an avoidant attachment don’t want intimacy, it’s just super uncomfy for them, Mouhtis says. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you likely ~avoid~ emotional intimacy, distance yourself, and keep your relationships surface level to prevent getting hurt.

This attachment style is often a result of caregivers rejecting or dismissing a child’s needs, teaching them that emotion leads to rejection, Groskopf says. So, to protect themselves, the child might suppress their emotions and keep feelings out of their relationships moving forward, she adds.

Disorganized attachment: This attachment style is a mix of both anxious and avoidant attachment tropes. You go back and forth between craving intimacy (see: being “needy”) and pushing intimacy away in an unpredictable pattern, says Mouhtis. Sometimes you’re distant, sometimes you’re clingy. 

This kind of attachment is often thought to be linked to childhood trauma. “Typically with disorganized attachment, there was a parent who was both a comfort to the child and a threat,” Mouhtis says. That can create a lot of confusion for a kid and how they see their role in relationships. 

How can I tell if I have an insecure attachment style?

While it’s easy to take these at face value, attachment styles are incredibly nuanced. You likely have a global attachment style that dictates how you’ll generally respond in relationships, but there may be variations in how you act from relationship to relationship, says Dr. Claudia Brumbaugh, PhD, who specializes in attachment theory. “This variation is based on how the partner treats you. A very secure person is unlikely to become super-avoidant with one person in their life, but they may be more avoidant with one person than they normally are because that person tends to be emotionally cold toward them.”

That said, here are some indicators that you’ve got an insecure attachment situation going on, according to Groskopf. 

Signs of anxious attachment:

• You constantly seek reassurance
• You frequently ask your partner if they still love you 
• You worry excessively that your partner will leave you
• You panic when people don’t respond quickly to texts
• You’re a people pleaser
• You often sacrifice your own needs to maintain relationships 

Signs of avoidant attachment: 

• You often keep your feelings to yourself
• You avoid emotional conversations
• You pull away when relationships get too close
• You think keeping an emotional distance is the safest
• You don’t like to rely on others
• You feel more secure being independent 

Signs of disorganized attachment:

• You push people away when they get close, but feel distress when they’re distanced
• You struggle with trust
• You’re torn between wanting emotional closeness and fearing it
• Your reactions in relationships feel inconsistent 
• There’s a lot of instability in your relationships
• You sabotage your relationships 

How can I fix an insecure attachment style? 

The most important thing to remember about an insecure attachment style is that it isn’t a life sentence. It’s definitely possible to develop a more secure attachment style. Here’s how. 

Identify your biggest struggles.

It’s hard to say what kind of insecure attachment style you have without working with a therapist. That said, assessing how you show up in relationships can help you notice unhelpful patterns, Groskopf says. For example, do you constantly seek reassurance from a partner and fear abandonment? Do you avoid vulnerability and keep your partner at arm’s length? This awareness is the first step to making changes.

Because these patterns aren’t your fault, you also need to prioritize self-compassion through this process, says Groskopf. Instead of judging yourself for your attachment style, recognize that these patterns once helped you survive and connect, Groskopf says. “You don’t need to blame yourself.”

Get comfortable being uncomfortable.

Building a secure attachment style takes major changes, and it’s not easy. As with anything new, approaching your relationships differently can feel weird or uncomfortable at first. And yet, pushing through can help you grow and develop new relationship and communication skills. 

For example, if you have an avoidant attachment style, try to stay present and sit with the feelings that come up when a partner expresses affection. “In the moment, you can remind yourself that receiving a partner’s love doesn’t mean losing yourself or your independence,” Mouhtis says. With practice, you’ll learn to associate intimacy with pleasure and joy rather than loss, she adds.

On the flip side, if you have an anxious attachment style, you can work toward feeling more comfortable with being alone and learn to reassure yourself instead of depending on others,  Mouhtis explains. Over time, you can feel less dependent on reassurance from others and trust that people aren’t always going to leave you. 

Find a professional. 

Working with a pro is your best bet for developing a secure attachment style that sticks. “Therapy, especially with an attachment-focused therapist, can help you learn why you adopted these coping strategies and how to form healthier connections as an adult,” says Groskopf.

Mouhtis says that she often uses internal family systems (IFS) therapy with clients who have attachment issues. This kind of psychotherapy encourages people to see themselves as made up of various parts with different roles in order to heal childhood wounds (like insecure attachment). No matter what type of therapy your mental health pro uses, know that these changes take time. But stick with it! Secure attachment, here we come! 

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