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5 Helpful Holiday Reminders for Anyone With Body Image Issues

Whether the criticism is coming from yourself or a judgey relative, here’s how to help silence them. ByAnna Borges

As a person with a history of body image issues, I always brace for the usual suspects when looking at old holiday pictures—judgmental thoughts about my appearance, embarrassment about how I looked compared to others, and maybe even some frustration over how much my body has changed since then. But the main thing I feel? Bummed. Because…well, I’m not in that many photos at all. And despite all my past fears that Future Me would cringe at the snapshots later, it turns out my biggest regret isn’t about how I looked—it’s about the memories I missed out on making because I was so caught up in self-criticism.

I’m sure I’m not the only one whose festivities are regularly weighed down by discomfort and insecurity. “We live in a world with so much shame, and that does not stop over the holidays,” says Ally Duvall, senior program development lead at Equip and self-proclaimed fat activist. If anything, she notes, it often ramps way up—whether it’s your mom commenting on your weight, a guest saying how “bad” they’re being as they get a slice of pie, or your own inner monologue critiquing how you measure up to last year’s resolutions. And don’t even get us started on all that unhelpful “New Year, New Me” messaging. 

To help you navigate this season’s many body image traps, we asked experts to share some reminders that can ground you, push back against the noise, or simply give you permission to feel however you feel. Of course, like our bodies themselves, the exact message we need to hear will be unique to each of us. So take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and—most importantly—remember that you (and your body) deserve kindness all year round.

1. Your appearance is not the most interesting thing about you.

The way you look might feel like the center of attention during the holidays, when family photos, social media posts, and unsolicited comments about appearances seem to be everywhere. But the truth is, what you see in the mirror says so little about who you are or the impact you have on the people around you.

“If you asked the people you love to name ten things they value about you, I can almost guarantee your body wouldn’t make the list,” Duvall says. “So why is it taking up so much space on yours? There’s so much more to who you are—you’re a complex, unique, and wonderful being.” 

When you catch yourself giving your appearance #1 billing in your mind, Duvall recommends interrupting the spiral out loud—say, by listing other things you love about yourself. But no need to whip out positive affirmations if they feel unnatural. Neutral statements—like, My body is the least interesting thing about me—work just as well, she says. 

2. You—and your body—have unique needs.

Holiday gatherings are rife with opportunities for comparison: how much others are eating, what they’re wearing, how effortlessly they seem to embody holiday cheer. “First, don’t blame yourself—a lot of comparisons happen automatically,” says Brittney Lauro, LCSW, lead therapist and clinical supervisor at Equip. 

That said, you don’t want to take comparisons at face value. For one, we rarely have enough information to draw meaningful conclusions in the first place. “At the end of the day, we’re only around people for a snapshot of their day,” Lauro explains. “We don’t know their full story, just like they don’t know ours.” For example, you might find yourself feeling self-conscious after noticing someone’s half-filled plate—but maybe they ate before coming, don’t like the food, or have their own dietary restrictions or relationship with eating that you’re not privy to.

Instead of fixating on what others are doing, remind yourself that your needs are valid and unique. “It’s wonderful that you’re eating more or differently than others because those are your needs in the moment,” Lauro says. And it’s not just about physical nourishment—enjoying “fun” foods can meet emotional needs, too, she adds, which helps you connect with the experience and savor the holiday. The same goes for stepping away from the action, choosing an outfit that feels comfortable, or sitting far away from your judgey Aunt Karen.

3. There’s no right way to respond to inappropriate comments.

Unfortunately, body image conversations don’t just live in your head—sometimes they come from those around you. From backhanded compliments to unsolicited advice, you might find yourself stuck in a conversation wondering WTF to say. The good news? There are many different ways to respond, and you can choose whatever feels right to you. “It all depends on context, like your relationship with the person, your comfort level with certain topics, and what you want to get into in that moment,” Duvall says. 

Generally, though, Lauro and Duvall both recommend having a few phrases up your sleeve—and practicing them ahead of time. These could include setting a firm boundary (“Let’s not talk about my appearance”), redirecting the conversation (“I think what you mean is you’re happy to see me—how’s work going?”), or even calling the comment out and starting a dialogue (“I’m curious why you feel the need to comment on other people’s bodies.”). Or you might prep a plan of action instead of a script…like how you’ll excuse yourself if the conversation gets too overwhelming. 

4. You don’t need to “earn” your food—or anything else you want.

The holidays are prime time for the idea that enjoyment has to come with conditions—especially when it comes to food. Whether it’s skipping meals to “save” calories, getting pressured into doing a holiday 5K before the festivities begin, or saying, “I’ll need to work this off later,” the message that you need to balance indulgence with restriction is everywhere. And it doesn’t stop at food. This mindset can creep into other areas too, like telling yourself you can only wear a special outfit, pose in pics, or participate in a tradition if you hit a certain goal.

So, in case you need to hear it, “you absolutely deserve to eat and enjoy your food—and every other part of the holiday,” says Lauro. What’s more, the rules and bargains you make with yourself can backfire. “If we’re entering the holiday with a scarcity mindset, we’re actually setting ourselves up to feel more out of control when we have access to the things we’re avoiding,” she explains. In other words, instead of freeing you to enjoy the day “without guilt,” you’ll probably wind up even more preoccupied with food or your body.

5. You can ditch old traditions that no longer serve you. 

Let’s be real: Too many holiday traditions revolve around food, family gatherings, and other elements that can feel overwhelming or stressful if you’re struggling with your body image or relationship with eating. While it’s OK to hope for a time when you feel more at ease with these traditions, it’s just as valid to acknowledge that you might not be there yet—and to be gentle with yourself in the meantime, Lauro says.

Instead of forcing yourself to participate in traditions that feel uncomfortable, Lauro and Duvall recommend giving yourself permission to create new ones that bring you peace, joy, comfort, or whatever else you need this year. You might start a holiday movie marathon, host a cozy crafting night with friends, or volunteer at a local organization to connect with your community.

Whatever you decide—or whatever the season has in store for you anyway—one last reminder: You got this. “You’ve already made it through so many hard things, and you’ll make it through the holidays too,” Duvall says.

If you think that you or a loved one might be suffering from an eating disorder, visit equip.health for more information on eating disorders and their virtual treatment.

The post 5 Helpful Holiday Reminders for Anyone With Body Image Issues appeared first on Wondermind.

Stories Link Copied 10.30.24

17 Would You Rather Questions That Go Deep

Get out of a small-talk rut with these thought-provoking dilemmas. ByAnna Borges

If a teenage sleepover was the last time you dabbled in a game of Would You Rather, you’re missing out. While the biggest debate back then probably centered around something silly (like if you’d rather fight one horse-sized duck or a hundred duck-sized horses, or live without pizza or french fries forever), Would You Rather questions for adults can actually lead to surprisingly deep and thought-provoking conversations. 

Despite their juvenile reputation, certain Would You Rather questions can be a fun and effective way to get to know someone, from strengthening existing relationships to checking the vibe with someone new. “The hypothetical and playful structure can lower defenses and encourage vulnerability, prompting open and honest sharing without the fear of judgment,” says Harville Hendrix, PhD, a couples counselor and coauthor How to Talk with Anyone About Anything.

His coauthor, Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD, adds that the limited parameters of Would You Rather questions—this or that, no cheating!—can force us to reflect on specifics and new possibilities, rather than defaulting to our go-to answers or getting overwhelmed by choice. Plus, “they create space for the exploration of our personal values and thought processes,” she adds.  They also make pretty great first date questions, JFYI!

So whether you want to puzzle through them on your own or quiz someone else to understand them better, here are some Would You Rather questions for adults that cover everything from dreams and fears to values and priorities: 

1. Would you rather have a perfect memory or be able to forget anything you wanted at will?

“Everyone’s got a different relationship with their past, and it’s cool to see how they’d handle it if they had a choice.” —Noah K., 27

2. Would you rather always feel understood or always feel appreciated?

“We all want to be seen, heard, and valued in our relationships. This question opens the door to a deeper discussion about the need for both understanding and appreciation.” —LaKelly Hunt

3. Would you rather wake up in Freaky Friday or Groundhog Day?

Not literally—whether you’d rather be Lindsay Lohan or Jamie Lee Curtis is another question. But when it comes down to it, you get a sense of how someone deals with change (or lack thereof) when posing the question: Would you rather move forward in someone else’s body or be stuck in a single (ever-repeating) day as yourself?

4. Would you rather be recognized for your intelligence or your kindness?

“This question can spark a discussion about one’s deepest desire for validation, and how they want to be perceived and seen by others.” —Hendrix

5. Would you rather know when or how you’re going to die?

“It’s death. Deep’s kind of in the description. But I like this one because it also gets people talking about destiny. As in whether they’d want to know how they’re going to die so they could attempt to thwart it.” —Jessie F., 42

6. Would you rather time travel to the past or future?

“It tells you a lot about people. More sentimental people might want to experience a specific moment. Some people want to alter history. Some want to see themselves in the future. You get a decent idea of what peoples’ priorities and interests are.” —Maggie L., 35

7. Would you rather give up social media or movies and TV forever?

“How someone interacts with media in general tells you a lot about them, especially these days. I care less about the actual answer and more how they puzzle through it—would they miss news, connecting with others, escaping into stories, etc.?” —Madison C., 23

8. Would you rather always tell the truth or always be able to tell when someone is lying? 

“Honesty and trust are biggies in relationships, and this question draws out different perspectives on that.” —Ryan S., 32

9. Would you rather never be able to celebrate your birthday again or have to throw a big party every year?

“IDK, man. People are weird about their birthdays. I feel like it always opens a can of worms on how they feel about themselves, attention, and their current social life.” —Lauren V., 31

10. Would you rather have more time or more energy?

“It’s simple, but people’s responses show how they deal with stress and priorities.” —Connor E., 24

11. Would you rather be able to control the weather or the traffic?

“It doesn’t sound that deep but I enjoy hearing about people’s mundane annoyances. You city folk can swap in public transit.” —Julie D., 28

12. Would you rather be loved for everything you’re not or liked for everything you are?

OK, so an old therapist of mine once posed this one when I asked for some session starters on a slow day. But it really does dig into whether someone prioritizes acceptance or authenticity. 

13. Would you rather have unlimited knowledge or unlimited creativity?

“The trick is no one quite knows what either would look like in practice, so it’s fun hearing people imagine it either way.” —Alexis Y., 26

14. Would you rather give up all the memories or money you made this year?

“I always ask this at my New Year’s Eve parties. No matter what someone chooses, it’s a quick way to zero in on whether they’ve had a good year or a bad year and why.” —Emily J., 30

15. Would you rather know what the happiest day of your life or the worst day of your life will be? 

“Most of us spend a lot of time anticipating (and ruminating over) the good and the bad instead of letting life happen. But do you actually want to know how your life will go? This can open up a deep, sort of existential conversation, or at least make you wonder whether you’d prefer knowing that the worst or the best is yet to come—or already behind you!” —Sam B., 29 

16. Would you rather have the ability to hit pause or rewind on your life?

“This question is pretty much asking if you want to relive the past or lengthen the current moment on demand. I love it because you’ll learn more about whether people skew more sentimental about the past or appreciative of their lives right now.” —Ashley O., 34

17. Would you rather never be able to show emotions or never be able to hide them?

“I love this for seeing how comfortable people are with vulnerability versus privacy.” —Kayla D., 25

18. Would you rather fight 100 duck-sized elephants or one elephant-sized duck?

Yeah, I had to end with the classic big duck vs. army of tiny elephants face-off. It might not be that deep, but when I asked one friend, he declared he’d take on the elephants “as long as he could stand on a study platform above them with a scythe,” at which point I learned he had excellent problem-solving skills. Another friend shuddered and said, “A million elephants if I can avoid even one duck,” which led to us swapping traumatic duck pond-related incidents from our childhoods. 
My point is, a Would You Rather question doesn’t have to be deep to get deep. Half the fun is listening to someone work through the question—and seeing where the conversation leads from there.

The post 17 Would You Rather Questions That Go Deep appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 10.23.24

7 Tips for When You Feel Like Everyone Hates You

Spoiler: They probably don't. ByAnna Borges

It wasn’t that long ago that “Why does everyone hate me?” could’ve been the title of my memoir. The thought had been on repeat in my head in some form or another since childhood. Sometimes, it was an angsty thought that popped up when I was fighting with my friends and felt like the word was against me. Other times, it was an earnest plea—the rhetorical question I used to sign off in my journal after recounting my latest encounter with bullies. 

Most of the time, though, it was the default explanation behind emotional injuries big and small. I didn’t get invited to that party? Everyone must hate me. Team grabbed lunch without me at work? Wow, why do they hate me? No new texts? They. All. Hate. Me. The spiral was real.

Luckily, this is no longer my default inner monologue. But if all that self-loathing and blame sounds familiar, I get it. And I’ve learned the long and hard way that, a lot of the time, these feelings have more to do with us—our thought patterns, past baggage, or underlying mental health issues—than with whether people actually hate us. (Spoiler alert: Most people probably don’t.) 

Still, the feeling sucks. But before we talk about what you can do about it, let’s get into why you feel this way in the first place.

Why does it feel like everyone hates you? 

Blame evolution, for one. Back in the day, being excluded from the group could mean the difference between life and death, so humans evolved to be sensitive to signs of social rejection. In fact, we’re so attuned to it that feeling ostracized “activates the same neural pathways in the brain as physical pain,” says Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert. That’s why even perceived rebuffs hurt: We’re primed to interpret innocuous cues—like a missed text or a resting bitch face—as proof that someone dislikes us. 

While nobody likes feeling rejected, Dr. Kirmayer says some people are extra sensitive to it for a few reasons. Past experiences of being left out or bullied, especially during childhood, can make rejection hit harder. If you have a mental health condition like ADHD (which is associated with rejection sensitive dysphoria), you might also be more prone to feeling like others dislike you. Not to mention, we can be more or less sensitive day to day based on factors like how stressed, tired, anxious, or depressed we are, according to Dr. Kirmayer. 

Speaking of anxiety and depression, both love to stir the pot with cognitive distortions like all-or-nothing thinking (no one likes me) and taking things personally (their change in tone is definitely about me). 

“Anxiety isn’t logical—it doesn’t always need a reason to feed you off-the-wall messages that people hate you,” says Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety. Same goes for depression, except it prefers to cloud your perception with feelings of unworthiness (I’m not good enough) and defectiveness (something is wrong with me). 

As you’re probably gathering, there are a ton of reasons why you might be feeling like everyone hates you. But even if you can’t pinpoint exactly why, there are steps you can take to get out of this mindset. Here’s what the experts recommend:

1. Look out for evidence that people actually kinda maybe like you.

Right now, your brain is hyper-focused on “proof” that everyone hates you—whether it’s a friend not texting you back or a coworker looking distracted when you talk. “Our brains want to be right more than they want us to be well,” says Dr. Kirmayer. So they’ll filter out evidence that contradicts the story we’ve created and latch onto anything that supports it.

To combat the hate-colored glasses, Dr. Kirmayer encourages people to collect proof of the opposite—and treat it like a scavenger hunt. “We need to be on the lookout for contradictory evidence—micro moments where someone approaches us, strikes up a conversation, smiles in our direction, or gives us positive feedback,” she explains. “Gather all these small but meaningful interactions and savor them.” 

If you want to take it a step further, Dr. Kirmayer recommends keeping a “win file,” whether it’s a note on your phone or something physical. Having something to look back on when you’re spiraling can remind you that not everyone is out to get you.

2. Ask, “What’s another way to look at this?” 

When that why does everyone hate me? thought pops up, it’s tempting to take it at face value. But those feelings are often based on assumptions, not facts. “Remind yourself this is a story you’re telling yourself, and it might not be as true as it feels,” says Dr. Kirmayer. Once you’re aware, you can challenge the narrative by thinking of other possible explanations besides the rude one your brain jumped to first. 

For example, if you’re at a party and find yourself alone, it’s easy to think, Nobody likes me. “But maybe people were already deep in conversation when you arrived,” Dr. Kirmayer points out. “Or maybe others are waiting for you to make the first move.” Or if you’re lamenting your silent phone, is it possible your friends might be wondering why they haven’t heard from you, either? “Getting in the habit of asking, ‘What’s another way to look at this?’ unlocks the door for other possibilities,” Dr. Kirmayer says. 

3. But also ask: “What’s this trying to tell me?” 

This isn’t to say that the feeling of being disliked is just something to reframe—it might be a sign that you need a change. “There are times when we shouldn’t just squash that thought,” says Dr. Kirmayer. “It could be telling you something important, like ‘I don’t feel comfortable in this situation,’ or ‘I don’t feel valued by these people.’” In these cases, she says it’s worth exploring whether you need to seek out new people, set boundaries, or make changes to your surroundings. 

This reflection can also be an opportunity for personal growth. “Sometimes, it’s about looking at what you can do differently,” says Dr. Kirmayer. That doesn’t mean you’re to blame for feeling excluded, but it could be a chance to strengthen your communication skills, make amends, or learn from past mistakes. Whether it’s trying to become a more supportive friend or volunteering in your community, engaging in prosocial behavior can stop you from ruminating on your personal feelings while reaping the mental health benefits of being around others. 

All that said, sometimes the feeling might be trying to say, “Something else is going on here!” If you’re not sure what it might be…

4. Look for patterns. 

Do you tend to have these spirals at night? Around certain groups of friends? When scrolling social media? In pretty much all social situations? “Getting clear on when and where these thoughts show up can be very helpful in spotting patterns and next steps,” Dr. Kirmayer says. 

For example, if you only ever think, Wow, I hate myself and so does everyone else after hanging with a certain friend group or while at work, it might be more about addressing a specific unhealthy relationship or setting boundaries within a triggering environment. You might even find that you have an identifiable trigger to eliminate (like screen time when you’re feeling emotionally vulnerable). “If there’s something specific bringing up feelings of insecurity or otherness, that’s something you can work with,” Dr. Kirmayer says. 

On the flip side, if these feelings pop up across multiple areas of your life—friends, family, colleagues, romantic partners—that’s a sign there’s a deeper issue, belief, or behavior to address. Figuring it out may take time (and possibly professional help). “There are so many paths people can take to get to the same conclusion,” Dr. Hendriksen says. Anything from self-esteem struggles to a personality disorder can leave you feeling like everyone hates you, but spotting patterns is a solid starting point for unpacking it.

5. Remember: People won’t always like you—and that’s OK.

Actually, Dr. Hendriksen recommends taking it a step further and accepting that some people will full-on dislike you. “Maybe we understand intellectually that not everyone will like us, but it’s also important to realize that some people actively won’t—and that’s part of life,” Dr. Hendriksen says. It’s not like you love everyone you meet either, right? 

If that feels like a hard pill to swallow, remember that people’s feelings often have little to do with you. “There are all sorts of reasons why people may not like us that have nothing to do with who we are,” Dr. Kirmayer explains. You might remind them of someone from their past or trigger a memory that makes them uncomfortable. “Whatever it is, we don’t have control over whether people like us.”

6. Celebrate what you like about yourself.

Instead of fixating on whether people like you, shift your focus to what you like about yourself. Dr. Hendriksen suggests affirming the qualities that make you feel good, even if they have nothing to do with other people’s approval. “Rather than trying to reassure yourself that people like you, affirm the other things you know to be true about yourself, even if they have nothing to do with friendship or approval,” she says. 

Maybe you’re a hilarious storyteller, an amazing cook, or the most attentive dog mom at the park—whatever it is, slip it into your morning affirmations, journal about it, or just remind yourself when the dreaded feeling hits. Plus, long-term, this shift helps build a stronger sense of self-worth and self-love that isn’t dependent on how others feel about you.

7. Whatever you do, don’t isolate.

When you feel like everyone hates you, it’s tempting to pull away from people and turn to self-isolation—but avoiding social situations will only make things worse. “It turns into this self-fulfilling prophecy where people anticipate rejection and close themselves off from the relationships that they need,” Dr. Kirmayer says. From there, it can kick off a vicious cycle—the more we pull away, the more sensitive to rejection we become, the rustier our social skills get, and the more like an outsider we feel, she explains.

Instead, Dr. Kirmayer and Dr. Hendriksen suggest you keep putting yourself out there. And while you’re at it, don’t expect to reach a point where you never feel insecure or disliked. “When the thought pops up, remind yourself, ‘Oh, this is just what my brain does sometimes,’” Dr. Hendriksen says. “That doesn’t mean you have to listen to it.”

The post 7 Tips for When You Feel Like Everyone Hates You appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 10.15.24

Body Doubling Is the Best ADHD Hack You Might Not Be Using

Think of it like the buddy system for your ADHD brain. ByAnna Borges

Even before I’d heard of body doubling, I’ve always known I needed a little extra push to get certain things done. Whether it was calling my mom while I tackled a mountain of dishes or dragging myself to a busy café to write, I knew having someone around made everything feel more doable. I never put much thought into why it worked—I figured maybe I functioned better under pressure or enjoyed a social distraction from my otherwise boring to-do list. (Which is probably not untrue!) 

But when I eventually got an adult ADHD diagnosis and began looking into the advice of the thriving online community, I realized I was doing more than multitasking or even coworking. I was tapping into the power of body doubling—a productivity hack that people with ADHD have embraced (but can be useful for just about anyone who needs a little extra motivation). Ever since then, it’s rare that a week goes by without me hitting up my friends for their unofficial support in getting shit done. 

What is body doubling? 

Body doubling is the practice of having someone—your body double—physically or virtually nearby while you tackle a task. Think of it like having a low-key accountability buddy who’s there to support you as you get stuff done, says Amelia Kelley, PhD, therapist and author of Powered by ADHD. It could be someone hanging out in your room while you clean it, hopping on FaceTime while you make that appointment, or joining you at the gym or grocery store. 

“I’ve even body doubled for clients in session while they send a text that they’ve been dragging their feet on,” Dr. Kelley says. “It’s a way to support another person in accomplishing a task without actually completing it for them.” 

There’s more to effective body doubling than simply being there—more on that later—but for now, let’s skip to the good part: Why does it work so well? For one, it taps into a psychological concept called social facilitation, which is a fancy way of saying we tend to perform better when we’re around other people, says Diane Miller, PsyD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in ADHD. “Being witnessed by others creates a low level of anxiety and pressure that’s sometimes needed to stay on task,” she explains. 

As for body doubling for ADHD specifically, Dr. Kelley says it can help with some of our executive function difficulties. “If someone who has ADHD is struggling to motivate or focus, one of the most effective solutions is an increase of dopamine,” Dr. Kelley says, noting that there are several ways to do this, including medication and, yep, socializing. Same with switching up your routine, thanks to how much the ADHD brain loves novelty. “Doing anything out of the ordinary, even if it’s just working in a slightly different way or with a new person, also effectively gives you a boost,” Dr. Kelley says. 

Not to mention, being around people we like can calm down our nervous system, which might be needed depending on how stressed we are about the task at hand. “It helps you motivate and it helps you regulate—that’s the essence of body doubling for ADHD,” Dr. Kelley says.   

She notes there are other interesting theories at play here too, like how mirror neurons—the ones responsible for mimicking others—might be involved, but there’s still a lot we don’t fully understand about why body doubling is so effective. Even so, some researchers recognize it as a community-driven phenomenon that’s been championed by the ADHD and neurodiverse communities as a simple, effective way to get things done without feeling so stuck.

How do you do it? 

Take it from someone who frequently attempts to body double and accidentally winds up just hanging out instead: Effectively body doubling isn’t just about chilling in the same space and hoping the magic happens. Much like productivity in general, you have to set yourself up for success. Here’s how: 

Pick the right partner(s).

Not all body doubles are created equal, says Dr. Miller. Sure, your best friend might be fun to spend time with, but if she’s going to let you slide when you start screwing around, you might want to reconsider. On the other hand, your bestie might be just who you need to keep your spirits up as you slog through paying your bills. There’s nothing wrong with trying it out to see what works, Dr. Miller says—as long as you’re honest with yourself about what actually helps or hurts your productivity. 

If you don’t have anyone willing or able to body double for you—or simply would rather stick to strangers—Dr. Miller recommends virtual platforms like Focusmate, which pairs you with other individuals or groups seeking their own body doubles.

Set an agenda.

Dr. Miller recommends having a clear plan in place before you start. “If you have no idea what you want to accomplish beyond ‘be productive,’ you’re going to sit there trying to figure it out,” she says. Which, let’s be real, can lead to an hour of staring into space. Write down the tasks you want to accomplish, even if they’re super small. And yes, “Send that email” counts as a task. 

Dr. Miller also suggests tapping into other tried-and-true time management tools and productivity hacks to make the most of your body doubling session. In addition to your trusty to-do list, she suggests using timers for short sprints, setting specific time blocks for each task, and breaking larger projects into smaller, more manageable steps. IDK if it’s just me, but it feels a lot easier to stick to the Pomodoro technique when you’re not alone and free to blow off the buzzer whenever it goes off. 

Know your pain points. 

Figuring out when you tend to get stuck can make body doubling more effective. For example, are you someone who struggles to get started on tasks (hello, endless procrastination)? Or maybe you have no problem jumping in, but halfway through, you lose steam and end up scrolling your phone. 

If you know your pain points, you can communicate them to your body double, so they know exactly how to support you, whether it’s keeping watch until you kick things off or encouraging you to see it through to the end. 

Build in accountability.

No need to send your body double copies of your agenda or turn them into a full-on task master—but if your body double knows what you’re trying to accomplish, they can lend a hand in holding you accountable. They don’t have to constantly check in on you (because let’s face it, that can get annoying fast), but a simple “Hey, how’s it going?” or a reminder of what you’re working on can be enough to keep you from getting distracted. 

On that note, don’t be afraid to ask for what you need either, whether that’s, “Can you sit right next to me so I’m less tempted to open useless tabs?” or “Could we take a break every 20 minutes and swap status updates?” Refer back to those pain points we talked about if you’re unsure what might keep you on track. 

Embrace what works.

Body doubling isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution, nor is it an exact science—so what works best will be unique to you, your specific challenges, and how your ADHD manifests, says Dr. Kelley. The key is finding the setup that works for you, and that might take some trial and error. 

Speaking of embracing what works, Dr. Kelley also encourages people not to be embarrassed or ashamed—an unfortunately common experience when living with and managing ADHD. Yes, it’s frustrating when seemingly simple tasks feel Herculean—like why do I need a babysitter to send an email?—but here’s the thing: There’s nothing wrong with using tools to make our lives easier. 

The post Body Doubling Is the Best ADHD Hack You Might Not Be Using appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 10.07.24

How to Be Better at Giving (and Getting) Constructive Criticism

No compliment sandwiches here. ByAnna Borges

Is there anyone out there who actually likes constructive criticism—or can we all just agree that it’s an unfortunate but necessary evil of working and existing in the world? Whether you’re giving or receiving it, it can be awkward at best and downright mortifying at worst. Like, it’s right there in the name—who wants to feel criticized or critical, even if it is constructive?

If you’re here, you might have your own feedback-related baggage. Maybe you’re the stereotypical millennial boss who hates feeling like the bad guy (what if they get mad at you?!), or maybe you’re someone who is always fighting off tears when someone tries to tell you how you can do better (just say I’m the worst, why don’t you!!!). And while it generally sucks for everyone, people who deal with anxiety, perfectionism, imposter syndrome, rejection sensitive dysphoria, people-pleasing tendencies, or conflict avoidance can be especially uncomfortable with conversations around our weaknesses—er, sorry, opportunities for growth. 

But it doesn’t have to be so bad. At its best, constructive criticism can be a positive collaboration between giver and receiver, says Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists. “It’s not constructive criticizer versus criticizee,” Dr. Hendriksen says. “Even if you have different roles, you can be on the same team, working together toward understanding and improvement.” 

Still, that’s easier said than done sometimes. So how can you reap the benefits of constructive criticism—or at least get through the conversation unscathed? Here’s what the experts had to say, whether you’re on the giving or receiving end. 

How to give (actually good) constructive criticism

There are two main parts to providing effective con crit: what you say and how you say it. Both matter. You can have the most helpful advice in the world, but if it’s delivered in a way that feels harsh or unclear, it’s not going to land. On the flip side, no amount of tact or sugarcoating will help if your feedback isn’t useful or relevant.

According to certified executive coach Megan Shekleton, solid constructive criticism covers three main bases: the opportunity for growth, why it matters, and what the person can actually do about it—or what she calls the “What? So What? Now What?” framework. Shekleton says a lot of people skip the middle step, jumping right from problems to suggestions for improvement, “but for people to be able to integrate feedback, they need to understand where it’s coming from and why it’s important to the bigger picture.” 

So for example, instead of just telling someone that they need to improve their delegation skills, Shekleton suggests something like, “I noticed that you took on the majority of the responsibilities yourself instead of delegating during this project. As a result, we didn’t get to utilize everyone’s strengths and you weren’t able to meet your deadline.” From there, you might pause for their thoughts on what they could do differently or offer your own suggestions—either way, the feedback needs to be actionable. 

And, don’t forget, you’re talking to another human who probably feels just as awkward as you do about this whole interaction. “It is often quite helpful when we are attentive to the other person’s feelings and hold space for their reactions and responses, even when they are defensive,” says Gavin Shafron, PhD, a clinical psychologist who works with high-achieving professionals. “If we do all of this while providing guidance for how someone can do better when it is welcome and necessary, we are much more likely to have better outcomes.”

Now that you’ve got the basics, let’s get into the nitty-gritty of how to level up your feedback game:

Prepare ahead of time. 

Winging it is not your friend when it comes to constructive criticism. “Preparing what you plan to cover in the conversation allows you to be a lot more confident and clear,” Shekleton says. Plus, jotting down your key points ahead of time ensures you’re striking a good balance. No need to go full-on compliment sandwich (though feel free to), but you want to avoid making the feedback feel too one-sided or negative. 

A little delivery practice is never a bad idea either, especially if you’re dealing with impostor syndrome, anxiety, or other struggles that might have you dreading this whole ordeal. 

Remember that you set the vibe. 

When stepping into the role of Constructive Criticizer, you might be tempted to act in any number of out-of-character ways. Common mistakes include walking on eggshells, acting overly serious and formal, or overcompensating with friendliness or assertiveness to soften or legitimize your message, says Dr. Hendriksen.

Don’t do any of that. “If you make it a big deal, it’s going to be a big deal—you get to set the tone,” Dr. Hendriksen says. She suggests using a calm and straightforward approach—“like ordering a sandwich”—to create a sense of ease. “Or if it’s sensitive feedback, adopt the tone of the compassionate but no-nonsense nurse at your last pap smear,” she adds. 

Discuss the behavior, not the person. 

One of the most important parts of giving good feedback: Don’t make it personal. Keep the focus on the specific actions or consequences, not the person’s overall abilities or character. “In so many conversations, discussions of behavior turn into statements about the whole person,” says Dr. Shafron, which can quickly lead to overgeneralizations and defensiveness.

So for example, instead of telling a quiet employee they need to be more assertive, you might observe that they don’t often contribute ideas in meetings—and discuss what might make them more comfortable. Rather than labeling someone as too blunt or a poor communicator, you could give examples of specific comments or miscommunications you’ve witnessed. Even avoiding using “you” too often and swapping in “I” statements can smooth things over. “It rarely feels good to hear critical feedback, but if it doesn’t feel like it’s personal, it’s a bit easier to take,” Dr. Shafron says. 

Make them feel less alone.

Nobody likes to feel like they’re the only one messing up, so it can help to remind the person that a piece of feedback is common or understandable. “Try to be an ally in addressing the problematic behavior, and if possible, normalize how common the behavior can be,” suggests Dr. Shafron. Saying something like, “I completely understand why this happened—I used to make the same mistake all the time,” takes the sting out of the feedback and shows them that they’re not alone.

From there, Dr. Shafron says you can offer suggestions based on your own experience—try, “Would it be useful if I shared how I handled a similar situation in the past?”—which turns the conversation into a more collaborative effort.

Don’t expect it to go perfectly. 

No matter how well you deliver the feedback, it might not go as smoothly as you’d like—and that’s OK. “One common misconception is that if the criticism is delivered in just the right way, it will be well received,” says Dr. Shafron. But the truth is, no one loves hearing criticism, even if it’s constructive. And sometimes defensiveness and disagreement are just part of the process, so give the person space to ask questions, process the feedback, and return to it later if needed. 

How to take constructive criticism like a pro

Receiving constructive criticism can be just as tough—if not tougher—than giving it. Feeling vulnerable or defensive is natural when someone points out areas for improvement. “We tend to over-identify with our work, so any criticism feels like a personal attack,” Dr. Hendriksen says. This frame of mind—where your performance and identity overlap too much—can make it hard to accept feedback without taking it to heart. 

For that reason, a big part of getting better at accepting criticism involves working on your mindset. For one, try to view feedback as a tool for your own development, not as an indictment of your skills or you as a person. “You have to separate feedback from your sense of self-worth,” Shekleton says. There’s no one-step process to this, and it might involve working on underlying issues like perfectionism or unlearning messages around success, failure, and performance you learned growing up (shoutout to therapy). 

Of course, the purpose isn’t to just sit there and gracefully take whatever feedback comes your way. A better goal? Understanding. “You want to approach the conversation from a place of curiosity about the other person’s perspective,” Shekleton says. “But you also want to feel comfortable expressing your perspective and invite a dialogue around it.” Here’s how: 

Ground yourself before the convo. 

Starting from a calm place can go a long way, whether you’re worried about getting anxious, defensive, or overwhelmed mid-feedback. Shekleton recommends using techniques to regulate your nervous system ahead of time. She likes the classic 4-5-6 method (breathe in for four seconds, hold for five, and exhale for six) as well as low-intensity movement like a slow walk. 

“When we move and breathe slowly, it tells the body that we’re safe,” which can help us feel more open to difficult conversations, Shekleton says. 

Listen for the points you agree with. 

It’s easy to latch onto the parts that make you say, “Uh, excuse me?” but that’s a one-way ticket to getting defensive. Instead, keep an ear out for the stuff that rings true to you. “Even if it’s one percent of what they’re saying, finding where you and the person who’s giving you the feedback align can keep your focus on track,” Dr. Hendriksen says.

As for the feedback that feels off base, don’t shut it out completely. Instead…

Ask for clarification. 

It’s OK if you don’t fully understand (or agree with) the feedback in the moment—asking for more info is not only acceptable in healthy feedback convos but encouraged. “Feeling comfortable enough to ask for clarification is a proactive way to better understand how you can grow,” Shekleton says. 

If something isn’t clear, ask questions like, “What would you have done in this situation?” or “Can you help me understand why that was important?” That way, you leave the conversation with concrete steps, rather than vague advice and hurt feelings.

Adjust your expectations. 

While there’s nothing wrong with wanting positive feedback, you gotta expect the con crit, too. “We tend to fall into an all-or-nothing mindset, where we feel like we’ve failed unless we’re showered in nothing but praise,” Dr. Hendriksen says. “But compliments and critiques are a package deal—they’re both part of putting our work and ourselves out into the world.”

Don’t be afraid to circle back. 

Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it can be hard to fully process feedback. If you need time to digest what was said, it’s perfectly fine to ask for a break and circle back later. “If you feel emotionally flooded or overwhelmed, take a pause,” Shekleton suggests. “You can politely say, ‘I appreciate you sharing this with me—I’d love to talk more after I’ve had some time to process it. Can I circle back in a few days?’”

Even if you don’t need to take a beat, it’s never too late to follow up if you think of something else you want to discuss. The best constructive criticism is an ongoing conversation, not a meeting that makes you lose sleep once a year. “If you aren’t getting feedback, you aren’t growing,” Shekleton says.

The post How to Be Better at Giving (and Getting) Constructive Criticism appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 09.30.24

What Is the Gray Rock Method?

It’s you, but much more boring. ByAnna Borges

You’ve probably been there before—stuck in a conversation you never wanted to have with someone who just won’t let up. Maybe it’s your manipulative coworker stirring the pot of office drama. Maybe it’s your gaslighting ex trying to convince you that you’re a horrible parent. Or maybe it’s a narcissistic family member whose arrogant rants make you feel about one inch tall. Whatever the situation, you might feel the urge to defend yourself, explain your side, or defuse their emotions—all extremely human reactions. But what if your strategy was to do…none of that? 

Enter the gray rock method, a simple but apparently powerful way to disengage from someone without fanning the flames of conflict. Whether you first heard it scrolling through TikTok, in a recent episode of Vanderpump Rules, or just now in this article, the gray rock (or grey rock) method is actually a therapist-approved tip—in certain situations, at least. 

What is the gray rock method? 

It’s pretty much what it sounds like—you become an unresponsive, disengaged, boring ol’ blob. “When you’re gray rocking, you stick to the basics,” says Amelia Kelley, PhD, therapist and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse. “You’re not going to do anything that makes you interesting or engaging. You’re not ignoring the other person, but you’re not providing more information than is necessary in hopes that they’ll lose interest and shift their attention.”

Many attribute the term to an anonymous essay about dealing with narcissists that appeared on the website LoveFraud back in 2012. While it’s not exactly a therapeutic technique, the mental health professionals we spoke with do recognize it as a potentially effective way to navigate toxic interactions that you can’t just walk away from (like when you have to work or co-parent or spend holidays with this person). According to Dr. Kelley, you can use it in low-stakes situations—like cutting off your gossipy coworker’s watercooler chat supply—but she says it’s usually employed as a tool against “toxic or manipulative people who thrive on attention and disrespect healthy boundaries,” including narcissists and other emotional abusers.  

If the gray rock imagery doesn’t do it for you, think of it this way: “It’s like playing dead in a game of cat and mouse,” says Vanessa M. Reiser, LCSW, therapist and author of Narcissistic Abuse: A Therapist’s Guide to Identifying, Escaping, and Healing from Toxic and Manipulative People. “The narcissist or the abuser is addicted to the supply of attention. If you starve them of it, they, by necessity, will go find someone else to toy with.”

Notably, the gray rock method isn’t anyone’s top choice for handling a toxic or abusive dynamic. Ideally, you wouldn’t have to deal with this person at all—but experts acknowledge that leaving is not always possible. “It’s not so simple to say, ‘I’m going no contact with you’ if you’re co-parenting a child or sitting next to each other at the office,” Reiser says.  

So if, for whatever reason, you can’t or aren’t ready to cut this person out of your life, the gray rock method might help you manage interactions with less emotional fallout and avoid fueling further conflict. “It’s a strategy of harm reduction,” says Reiser. 

How do you use the gray rock method? 

According to Dr. Kelley, “you want to give someone as little ammunition as possible.” Leave feelings out of it, stick to the facts, and keep the goal of any given interaction in mind, whether it’s nailing down co-parenting logistics with a manipulative ex or defusing personal attacks from an abusive parent. As you might imagine, the specifics depend on your relationship dynamic and the other person’s tactics. 

Regardless of the scenario, here are some other dos and don’ts to keep in mind: 

Do text or email if possible. 

When it comes to gray rocking your way through a toxic interaction, it might be easier to do if you aren’t face-to-face. Both Dr. Kelley and Reiser emphasized that it’s tougher to hold your boundaries and keep your cool IRL. In writing, you can be deliberate and measured, avoiding the risk of being caught off-guard or attacked in the moment. “You’re not there to receive their venom,” Dr. Kelley says. If you do have to communicate face-to-face, Reiser recommends practicing keeping your tone and expression neutral, and having a plan for self-care or co-regulation after the encounter.

Don’t take the bait. 

“They’re going to poke and prod and try to get a rise out of you however they can,” says Reiser. “They might exploit things you’re sensitive and vulnerable about to get a reaction.” While it can be tempting to defend yourself or strike back, try to recognize when they’re baiting you and get in the habit of pausing before you reply. If you can, do a quick grounding exercise or take a physical break from the conversion—whatever you need to limit the emotional reactivity that they want. 

Do write scripts. 

Keep a few benign statements on repeat that will be easy to remember and boring to hear. For example, if you’re gray rocking a gaslighter who frequently calls your memory into question, try a flat “I don’t see it that way” or “we recall that differently.” For someone who often derails your conversation or flips things on you, get in the habit of saying, “Let’s get back to discussing X.” Whatever’s applicable to your situation, write a few lines and keep them on rotation. 

Don’t over-explain. 

Using the gray rock method can feel counterintuitive, especially when you want to defend yourself or explain your side, but it’s crucial to stick to short, neutral responses. “Someone who’s abusive or manipulative speaks a different emotional language than you,” Dr. Kelley says. “They’re not capable of or interested in seeing things from your point of view, so when you try to defend yourself or explain, you’ll usually walk away feeling a whole lot worse.” 

Do expect some pushback at first. 

If someone disrespects your boundaries enough to need gray rocking, chances are they won’t like being gray rocked—and they’ll likely push back. You may notice an initial increase in their attempts to provoke you, Dr. Kelley warns, so be prepared for this and stay consistent with your neutral responses. 

Don’t forget that other tools are available. 

Gray rocking is just one strategy in a larger toolkit for managing toxic relationships. While it’s effective in limiting emotional engagement, it’s not always the best or only option. Depending on the situation, setting stronger boundaries, seeking external support, or even cutting contact entirely may be more appropriate. 

“If you can remove yourself from the situation safely, that’s always the best course of action,” Reiser says. But short of that, combining gray rocking with these other strategies can help you manage day-to-day interactions and protect your energy in the long term.

The post What Is the Gray Rock Method? appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 09.23.24

3 Gaslighting Examples That Will Make You Say, “Ohh, I Get It Now!”

The intention to make you question everything is key. ByAnna Borges

I don’t know about you, but I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard someone say, “Ugh, they’re totally gaslighting me” over the past few years. Many of us are guilty of throwing around self-proclaimed gaslighting examples that may not actually fit the bill in the eyes of experts. But, in our defense, gaslighting has become so ingrained in our cultural lexicon that Merriam-Webster named it the word of the year in 2022.

While growing awareness of any abusive tactic is a good thing, the term’s surge in popularity also kinda made it a catch-all for describing toxic behavior, says Robin Stern, PhD, licensed psychoanalyst and author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life. From your bestie ranting about her ex over drinks to the explosive cast reunion of your favorite reality show, people started tossing around “gaslighting” to mean everything from lying and misleading to being dismissive and rude.

Here’s where it gets confusing: Gaslighting can involve all of the above. But there are a few key features that distinguish gaslighting from other types of emotional abuse or just plain shitty behavior. 

So what is gaslighting?

An important hallmark of gaslighting is the intention behind the behavior. “Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation meant to confuse, disorient, or change your perspective for the gaslighter’s benefit,” says Amelia Kelley, PhD, LCMHC, licensed therapist and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse. More specifically, someone might attempt to gaslight you to avoid taking responsibility, shift blame, exert control, change your behavior, cause pain, or any number of self-serving motives, according to Dr. Kelley. If you’re like, Huh? What does that look like? don’t worry, we’ve got some gaslighting examples coming up.  

Gaslighting can happen in all sorts of relationships, whether romantic, platonic, familial, or professional, though Dr. Stern and Dr. Kelley both note that there’s usually a power imbalance at play. It might stem from authority, group dynamics, financial dependency, or even the desire to be liked or accepted. 

Typically, gaslighting is part of a pattern, but it isn’t always. “Gaslighting is a learned behavior and can be a defensive strategy that we use to restabilize ourselves in the moment,” Dr. Stern says, meaning someone might use gaslighting tactics in a single interaction to dodge accountability or manipulate the situation to their advantage. One key to distinguishing between the occasional gaslighty dick move and malicious gaslighting is whether someone can engage in healthy communication when you push back, share your side, or call them out on their behavior. Are they open to your point of view and feelings…or do they double down and keep employing some of the techniques we’re about to highlight?

With all that in mind, let’s get to some gaslighting examples so you can see what we’re talking about in action. 

Example #1: The boss that’s rewriting history.  

Picture this: You’re in a team meeting, and your manager presents an idea you pitched to them privately. When you professionally point out, “Uh, that was my idea,” they look at you like you’ve grown two heads. “What do you mean? I talked about this with Bob ages ago,” they say. At first, you brush it off as a coincidence, but it keeps happening. Your manager continues hoarding credit or negating your contributions with lines like, “I don’t remember that. Are you sure you didn’t share it with someone else?” or “We probably both came up with it separately. Great minds think alike!” Eventually, you start second-guessing yourself. Did I actually bring that up? Was that really my idea?

Gaslighting red flags: Your manager is either consistently forgetting your ideas (unlikely) or trying to get you to believe their version of events (or at least shut down yours). “Taking credit alone isn’t gaslighting, but if they deny it, rewrite history, or accuse you of misremembering—that’s classic gaslighting,” says Dr. Kelley.

When it’s not gaslighting: If your boss offers other lies or excuses like “Sorry, I forgot to credit you” or “It doesn’t matter who had the idea first, we’re a team.” That’s dismissive or poor management, but it’s less likely to be gaslighting since they aren’t challenging the fact that you previously shared this idea with them. 

Example #2: The parent who makes you question your version of events.  

Picture this: Let’s say you bring up a hurtful childhood memory with a parent or caregiver, like a time they yelled at you in front of your friends or scoffed at a challenge you were facing at school. Instead of acknowledging it, they say something like, “Oh, it wasn’t that bad—you were always so sensitive,” or “How can you possibly think I would do that? I only ever tried to help.” You try to get them to see your POV, but over time, their insistence makes you wonder if you really did make a big deal out of nothing.

Gaslighting red flags: Hello, bringing into question your own perception of reality. “The minimizing of overall emotions is a common tactic to make someone question their experience,” says Dr. Kelley. “When the parent or caregiver doubles down on their version of events enough, an adult child might start to question, Was it really that bad?” 

When it’s not gaslighting: It may not fit the description of gaslighting if they’re simply refusing to take responsibility or engage with your emotions by saying things like, “There’s no reason to dwell on the past” or “I did the best I could—you’ll understand when you’re a parent.” Crappy, but not the same as trying to poke holes in your memory. 

Example #3: The partner who makes you believe you’re the problem.  

Picture this: You’ve noticed a change in your partner’s behavior—maybe they’ve been busier than usual or stopped texting as frequently. When you bring it up with them to see what’s up, they turn it back around on you. They might say something like, “Why are you monitoring me like that?” or “It’s not that big of a deal. You’re so clingy.” This always seems to happen—you try to discuss their actions and somehow wind up defending yourself. 

Gaslighting red flags: “The deflection of responsibility is a gold star tactic,” Dr. Stern says. “It’s characterized by changing the focus of the conversation to pivot and blame you or someone or something else.” Their aim, she says, is to sow seeds of doubt—they may or may not deny your version of events like in some of our other examples, but they are making you question your own reaction and culpability. Are you being too jealous or sensitive? Is their behavior totally fine? Are you the problem? 

On the other hand: Experts wouldn’t call it gaslighting if the person is skirting responsibility or avoiding the issue without also trying to discombobulate you. If their response is more like, “I don’t have time to text,” or “This is just how I am,” you can still call it inconsiderate and flippant but it’s not quite gaslighting. 

The bottom line

Even with the help of examples, it can be really tough to identify gaslighting when you’re on the receiving end of it—after all, the whole goal is to throw off your sense of what’s real. Both experts we spoke to highlighted the importance of gut-checking with the people around you. 

“Seek out someone you trust and who knows you well to say, ‘Hey, I’m really not sure about this constant back and forth with X. It isn’t feeling right. What do you think?’” Dr. Stern suggests.

The post 3 Gaslighting Examples That Will Make You Say, “Ohh, I Get It Now!” appeared first on Wondermind.