Pro Tips Link Copied 08.23.23

5 Therapist-Backed Tips for Anyone Who Was Bullied as a Kid

You’re not crazy for struggling to move on. ByJK Murphy

There’s no point in sugar-coating this: Back in middle school, my days were filled with unrelenting verbal bullying that made me feel ashamed, embarrassed, and angry that I was stuck in such a sucky environment. I was constantly on edge, and I dreaded going to school. As an adult, some of those comments still occasionally mess with my mind today. 

Yes, despite doing a massive amount of healing and acknowledging that those kids were clearly in the wrong, this remains my frustrating reality. And if you experienced severe bullying in school as a kid or faced any kind of mean comment from a peer (even just one), you know that shit can stick with you.

Why the effects of bullying last so long

Part of the reason why comments from your ~adolescent experience~ can sting even after years (read: decades) have passed is because of the state of your childhood brain. When you’re young, you’re trying to find your place in the world and don’t necessarily have a full concept of who you are just yet, says clinical psychologist Jessica B. Stern, PhD. Your mind is like a vulnerable little sponge, and you tend to care a lot about what other people think and easily soak up and internalize harsh comments. 

Then there’s the way kids don’t have fully matured brains just yet (I write, lovingly). So when you’re in middle school, you aren’t always capable of separating the useful comments from the garbage opinions people fling your way, Dr. Stern says. And it might not occur to you that a peer’s teasing likely stems from their own insecurities or difficulties in life. In a perfect world, that idea could help you understand that this rudeness is probably just their way of acting out and has nothing to do with you, she adds. 

Kids also don’t usually talk about how horrible it feels to be mocked, says psychologist and bullying expert Dorothy Espelage, PhD. Plus, victims don’t tend to challenge whoever is saying hurtful things because that troll tends to have more social power. So, sometimes, saying nothing feels safer than the potential of being bombarded with more emotional blows, she adds. All of this makes it way more likely that you’ll bottle up everything up for years and miss out on having an outside source challenge those trash opinions you’ve now assumed are true (or at least partially true). 

When you carry the weight of these words into adulthood, they can have long term effects on your mental health, says Dr. Espelage. That can look like feeling insecure and depressed because you still have Luke from math’s (extremely wrong!) voice playing in the back of your mind, or you might tend to be more anxious because you fear being judged. Feeling triggered and upset if something reminds you of those past experiences is also a thing.

Even if you’ve largely forgotten about middle school and are an adult who has a solid sense of self, unwelcome flashbacks to being teased are totally normal. When these feelings bubble up to disturb your peace, it’s common to pressure yourself to “get over it,” and you might even feel silly when you can’t let it go after however many years, says Dr. Stern. Love that for us. 

Unfortunately, most of us haven’t had much guidance on how to finally get over these mean comments. So if you don’t have access to therapy (which would be a great resource for anyone struggling with these thoughts), here are some ways you can heal from middle school rudeness and squash how it might hold you back today. 

1. Try embracing what you were mocked for.  

A huge piece of this healing journey is learning how to be self-compassionate, says Dr. Espelage. Now, that can feel especially daunting if you faced bullying or crappy classmates during your formative years, but it’s still important to try. 

Luckily, having compassion for yourself doesn’t mean you need to be perfectly and completely in love with who you are all the time. Instead, it’s about being gentle with yourself, learning what you truly like and value, and not expecting change to happen overnight. This can look like giving yourself a break and recognizing how teasing from middle school has shaped you, Dr. Espelage says. 

Practicing some self-love could also mean embracing what you were teased for and talking to people who can help you see that those things aren’t always something to be ashamed of, Dr. Stern adds. For example, if you faced little jabs for being shy back in the day, as an adult, you can try to gently but firmly push back on the narrative that being shy or introverted is a bad thing, Dr. Stern says. You could do that by not giving into the pressure to go out and stand in your truth that curling up with a good book on a Friday night is better than being bumped at the club all night long. 

2. Face the memories. 

If you’ve ever been hit with a 3 a.m. flashback to a sucky middle school encounter and felt flooded with bad vibes, you might try to push that memory out of your mind. But convincing yourself that you’re totally over it just means you’re delaying your healing, Dr. Espelage says. 

You don’t have to face every memory head-on in the moment (especially if you’re just trying to sleep when the flashbacks strike), but you’ll definitely want to make a plan to revisit these thoughts when you have the time and emotional bandwidth. When you do have the time, it might help to cry it out (especially if you never allowed yourself to do this in the first place), or journal about your previous experiences and how it made you feel then and now, Dr. Espelage suggests. You could write about how you think those past experiences shape how you move throughout the world and navigate relationships today. 

Because there is a fine line between reflecting and stewing on past experiences, mindfulness exercises can also be great for sitting with your feelings, Dr. Espelage says. Next time one of these memories comes up, try imagining your thoughts as leaves on a stream and watching them gently float away. This can help you let memories pass through your mind and get curious about why they’re popping up without placing too many emotions on them. And by processing what happened in school, you can reduce the chances that these unwelcome blasts from the past invade your peace in the future or continue to dull your light, if that’s something that’s been happening, Dr. Espelage adds. 

3. Identify toxic and triggering relationships.

When you don’t deal with painful comments from your past, they have the potential to eff with your relationships and life today, Dr. Espelage says. For example, kids who were repeatedly picked on might seek out or stay in relationships or situations that aren’t entirely healthy (like when you constantly feel like you’re the problem, and not in a fun “Anti-Hero” kind of way), she says. 

If you relate and feel like you’re not acting in your best interest, do an assessment of the people and situations in your life to see if you notice any patterns, Dr. Stern suggests. Keep an eye out for triggers that make middle school memories resurface or take you back to feeling judged, she adds. Say your current acquaintance Bertha drags everyone’s outfits every time y’all hang out. If it makes you flash back to feeling self-conscious about your knockoff Heelys in the 7th grade, then your response (or lack thereof) might be the issue here. 

When you notice these recurring factors, it might be time to set some boundaries, like  subtly cutting back on how much time you spend with B or telling them that you’re not going to hang out if the negativity keeps flowing.

4. Initiate an overdue conversation. 

For some, teasing comes from people in your own family or friend groups. (Ahem, the exact people who you’d typically expect to be better than that!) If you can relate, you know those insults can hurt even more. That’s because we take the opinions of people we love more seriously because we care more about what they think of us than acquaintances and strangers, Dr. Stern explains. 

So, if you’re still in touch with these people today, think about whether you feel safe enough to bring it up with them, Dr. Stern suggests. You can start the convo by saying something like, “When you said _____ , it really hurt my feelings, and I still think about it today. Do you remember saying that?” If it would help to get an apology from them, you’re definitely within your right to ask. 

If you don’t feel comfy having that conversation, it’s important to separate the thing they said from what’s actually true and how you see yourself, Dr. Stern says. Sure, easier said than done, but a few things that might help include talking about this with a therapist, opening up to loved ones you can trust, and practicing self-affirmations. This can help you see your value and all the great things you bring to the world. 

5. Remember people are complicated. 

When you reflect on the kids (or adults, yikes) who said mean crap to you as a smallie, it’s really easy to dismiss them as evil. But sometimes there are nuances to people who are mean to you—especially if that person was also a kid, Dr. Espelage says. 

You’ve probably heard the phrase, “hurt people hurt people,” and that can be true for kids dealing with their own mess who take it out on you. And here’s a hard truth: You might’ve even resorted to picking on someone else because someone did the same to you. Remembering that not everyone is just a bully or just a victim can put your experience into perspective, Dr. Espelage says. It can lessen the impact that that kid might still hold over you today, and it can also help you reflect on the role you might’ve played in someone else’s self-image.

Discovering the struggles my bully was going through at home eventually helped me humanize him. While I wasn’t glad he was also suffering—nor did I forgive him right away for making my life a nightmare—it did help me look at the situation differently. 

Kids are just mini humans roaming around with poor impulse control and a limited knowledge of how to deal with their emotions or figure out what’s right and wrong. I found some peace in knowing how all those factors can contribute to one (or a lot of) hurtful comments. When you can find compassion for someone who hurt you, it can be easier to have compassion for yourself. After all, if rude kids deserve some empathy, surely the hurt kiddo inside you deserves it too. 

Regardless of your age, where you’re at on your mental health journey, and whether or not you were subject to ongoing bullying or a few mean comments here and there, there’s hope you can move past it. If you’re able to recognize these lingering feelings and finally address the nasty behavior you faced as a child, it becomes easier to deal with, and the shame and hurt can start to lift. 

The post 5 Therapist-Backed Tips for Anyone Who Was Bullied as a Kid appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 05.23.23

Why Do I Hate That My Friends Have Other Friends?

It’s not like I want them to be lonely without me, but… ByJK Murphy

So you’re home alone on a Friday night, all cozy, content, and enjoying the latest Bridgerton spinoff when social media alerts you to the fact that your bestie is chilling with their work friend tonight. Suddenly, your peaceful evening with Queen Charlotte is plagued with thoughts like, Wait, my friend would rather hang with a coworker and not me? and Why wasn’t I invited? Deep down you know there’s more at play than pure FOMO (aka fear of missing out) because you’re happy at home and don’t even know (or don’t want to know) the other person. Still, you might feel weird, a little hurt, jealous, confused, or territorial, even. If all that makes you want to shout, “Why am I like this!?” then you’ve come to the right place. Turns out, there are a few reasons why you might hate when your friends are hanging out with other friends—without you. 

As a Leo, I’ve been through this before. You see, I experience my fair share of “Main Character Syndrome,” having a slight tendency to walk through the world as if it revolves around me and feel shaken when I realize I’m not the center of everyone’s life, which often happens when a friend hangs with someone else or even talks about spending time with other people. It’s not like I want everyone to be miserable and lonely when I’m not around or that I want to be invited to everything, but knowing my loved ones have lives—and friends—of their own is a hard pill to swallow. 

Plus, it’s hard to admit being uncomfortable about your friends having friends because it feels shameful and kind of desperate and needy. And if you think more of your friendship than they do? Baby, that’s nightmare fuel. (Anyone else remember that brutal Saturday Night Live skit when Aidy Bryant asks Lizzo, “Is it me, or are we best friends?” to which Lizzo charmingly replies, “Yeah, well. I mean, I’m definitely your best friend, and that’s great for you.” My worst fear!) 

When you can’t really talk about this friendship mind f*ck to anyone, it can be even harder to get over. But, it turns out, all these feelings are totally normal—even for non-Leos.

So, why are we like this?

Part of being human is having a natural desire for connection and attachment, which increases your chances of finding caregivers and ups your odds of survival, says psychotherapist and author Kyler Shumway, PsyD. But that urge is a double-edged sword and one of the reasons why it feels wonderful to be part of the herd but painful when your pals get close to someone else, he says. 

This fear of not being part of the crowd or feeling left out can ring especially true for neurodiverse people whose brains work differently (like if you have ADHD or are autistic) and might have unique strengths and challenges. Sometimes kids and teens who are different from their peers in this way can have trouble reading social signals and are more likely to be bullied and harassed, making them extra sensitive to rejection, even as an adult, Dr. Shumway explains. 

I can relate to this kind of pain, especially as a person with ADHD who experiences rejection sensitive dysphoria. For me, feeling rejected (like when my friends do stuff with people I’m not friends with) manifests as a flood of negative emotions, including depression and shame. I often grapple with worrying that I’m not as important to my loved ones as they are to me or that I’m a backup choice. All it takes is a perceived dig, like a missing invite or a delayed text—even if I understand why I wasn’t included—to send me on a downward spiral of insecurity.

On top of that, when rejection strikes, it can feel like your needs for social connection and support aren’t being met in that moment, which your brain might sense as dangerous, Dr. Shumway says. All these feelings build on each other as the years go by, making you more sensitive to your friends seemingly choosing someone else over you, he adds.

If you’re already feeling insecure in your bonds, the idea of your friends having other friends might be especially triggering, says Dr. Shumway. In cases like this, you might be quick to assume that your friend is pulling away or deprioritizing you. After all, why else would they make an elaborate birthday-themed Instagram post for their other friend (even if they did make one for you last month too)? 

How to work through these uncomfy thoughts and feels.

Feeling like you’re a backup or like your safety and social support are in jeopardy can be incredibly stressful and isolating. But as understandable as all those emotions are, they’re not always rooted in reality. So, here’s how to work through them so you don’t end up texting your bud something wild like, “I just think it’s funny how you were with *insert my new nemesis’ name here* last night.” 

1. Soothe the jealous gremlin in your brain. 

If your friendship struggles are rooted in jealousy, the best way to deal is to take a step back and focus on how your friends do show up for you, says author and licensed social worker Minaa B., LMSW. “In a one-sided friendship, you are not receiving anything most of the time. You are not receiving communication, effort, interest, or desire for connection. You usually find yourself catering to their needs while having yours be neglected in return,” she says. Being the one who always reaches out and makes the plans while they put in little to no effort is a prime example of a one-sided friendship.  

But if your friends do show interest and put effort into communication and quality time (aside from when they’re hanging out with you know who), it’s likely the friendship is a healthy two-way street and you’re overthinking things, Minaa B. adds. That can help you let go of thinking your friend doesn’t like you as much as you like them and focus on yourself while they’re having fun without you. 

2. Investigate your feelings. 

One promising step in getting your friendship jealousy and anxiety under control is to use a popular dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skill called REST, which stands for relax, evaluate, set an intention, and take action. Dr. Shumway says this can be very helpful for frequent friendship worriers because it encourages you to take a step back and fact-check your why-does-everyone-hate-me thoughts and feelings before you send a shady emoji reply to your pal’s IG Story or bottle up your emotions to burst another day. 

So if you feel scared because your friend is hanging with someone else, for example, try pausing to take a breath and then ask yourself, Is my friend abandoning me because they hate me, or is there something less terrifying at play, like they’re just allowed to have other friends who I’m not friends with? Dr. Shumway suggests reflecting on whether there’s evidence that you’re being rejected or excluded (are they making Barbie movie premiere plans without you, Greta Gerwig’s biggest fan?) or if there are clues that everything is OK (their last text to you was actually them reminiscing on how fun your previous hangout was). “By reflecting on all the evidence, you can take a more complex, holistic view and recognize things may be more mixed than they seem at first glance,” Dr. Shumway says.

Once you’ve done all that, setting an intention and taking action can look like telling yourself you’ll use your coping skills (more on those in Tip 4!) to navigate any uncomfy feels that pop up in the future and then actually following through with that plan. So if your first instinct usually involves sending that aforementioned shady emoji, this might look like putting your phone away and going for a tech-free walk (if that feels safe) to avoid acting impulsively.    

3. Remember: You’re the shit. 

Sing it with me: It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me. One of the more uncomfortable aspects of life is when we face this realization. And this situation is no exception. Sometimes you’re letting jealousy and fear get the best of you. But ultimately, you’re in charge of your own feelings and actions. “The most important thing to remember is that your friend is not responsible for healing your emotions,” Minaa B. says. So to move past this, you’ll have to find inner peace by leaning into your self-worth and reminding yourself that you are good enough and bring so much to the friendship table, she adds. 

Start by thinking about all the amazing qualities you have, like how you never spill your friend’s secrets (except to your dog because they don’t count), how you’re honest and tell them that new accessory they’re trying out isn’t really working (tough job, but you do it so well), and how you always know what TikTok will make them laugh when they’re sad (a rare talent). 

4. Break out those healthy coping habits. 

One of the ways I cope with feeling rejected is through another DBT skill called TIPP, which stands for temperature, intense exercise, paced breathing, and paired muscle relaxation. 

Essentially, to help myself work through this distress, I start with a cool splash of water to the face to bring my body temperature back to its usual state (I tend to run warm when I get emotionally wound up). Physically cooling myself down helps me chill out emotionally too. Then, I try some joyful movement, like dancing, which clears my mind and helps me focus on other things. Finally, I do a breathing exercise and/or purposefully tighten then relax my muscles so my breathing and heart rate slow down, which helps me let go of the stress and extra energy all while keeping me from acting impulsively. (Heads up: If you have chronic pain or physical concerns, play it safe and talk to a doc before trying this muscle relaxation tip.) 

That’s just one tip that works for me, but there are lots of different coping strategies that could work for you, like journaling when you’re feeling sad, jealous, or insecure. And if you don’t even know what you’re feeling RN, there are tips for that too.

5. Talk about what’s been on your mind. 

If you think they’re not giving you the love you deserve, you can level up to communicating your feelings and friendship expectations with your pal once you have a solid grasp of what’s going on in your brain.

These convos can be tough and might trigger a disagreement or rupture in the friendship, but here’s how to do it with confidence and minimal chaos: First, delicately reach out to your friend with kindness instead of accusing them of hurting you or making them feel like they’re not allowed to have other friends, Minaa B. says. Pro tip: Try to do this in person since it’s super easy for people to misread your intentions through text. 

When you’re clearing the air face-to-face, try explaining your feelings along with the story you’ve been telling yourself. I’ve had good luck with saying something similar to “I thought you were pulling away,” and asking my friend to confirm what’s actually going on so I know what’s up. 

Just be honest about wanting to spend more time with them and how you wish they’d reach out more. You can also talk about feeling rejected when they don’t initiate plans if that’s something that bothers you. 

Chances are, if they want to stay in your life, they’ll be glad you shared all this with them. “Conversations like this can alert your friends to your needs and give them the opportunity to respond,” Dr. Shumway says. And if your friend pulls away after a heart-to-heart, that just shows the friendship probably wasn’t that healthy or fulfilling to begin with, he adds.  That’s something worth radically accepting.

6. Chat with a pro about these tricky moods.

If you don’t feel ready to approach your friend with whatever is bugging you or self-reflection feels like a struggle, you can always work through these friendship troubles with a therapist, say Minaa B. and Dr. Shumway. With the help of a mental health professional, you can learn more about what you’re feeling and if any of these friendship woes have deeper psychological roots that you might want to explore. Doing that can help set you up for more satisfying relationships. 

For me, having self-compassion and remembering things aren’t always as they seem has made my friendships so much easier to navigate as I get older. Now, when I feel the sting of rejection when my friends are just out there living their lives, I’m more capable of processing my emotions and creating more empowering stories about myself that are rooted in fact rather than fear. We’re not weird or sad or broken for being bummed about unanswered messages, or for being jealous that our friend has other friends. For better or worse, we’re just human.

The post Why Do I Hate That My Friends Have Other Friends? appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 09.15.22

How to Break Out of the Social Media Comparison Trap

The advice to just log off and live your life is unrealistic, so what’s a chronically online person to do? ByJK Murphy

Picture this: Your former classmate is vacationing in Italy, sailing around on some mystery mogul’s boat all summer with this season’s trendiest beveragino in hand. All captured exquisitely and delivered conveniently to your smartphone, ready to make you feel like your life is a crumbling disaster by way of social media comparison.

Social media is a complex machine, and it’s done wonders to amplify marginalized voices and help so many people find community. But there are also real mental health impacts that come along with being tuned in and flooded with images of what the “perfect” life looks like, even if it’s the perfectly imperfect blurry photo dump. 

Research suggests social media can have negative effects on our sleep, can increase feelings of depression and anxiety (particularly among young people), and may actually be contributing to loneliness. Plus, sadness, envy, and resentment often come along with social media use, says clinical psychologist and friendship researcher Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, “It can also exacerbate self-criticism and feelings of low self-worth.”

Why we just can’t quit comparing

It’s easy to get sucked into a vortex of comparison, to scroll through your feed and come to the false but pressing conclusion that you’re not as smart, funny, beautiful, carefree, or worthy as someone else. Of course, that’s a bold-faced lie. But it’s a pervasive one. And even the most ostensibly secure and #blessed people can fall into this comparison trap and feel like they’re not enough. 

That’s because we’re highly visual creatures, and social media is basically designed to broadcast what’s going on in your life in the most visual way possible. But, as a professional photographer with more than a decade of experience capturing memories for families and couples, I can assure you that the story behind the camera is often more complex than what you see on your feed. It’s not like all ecstatic family photos, whimsical weddings, and perfectly-curated shots are intentionally misleading or false (although sometimes they totally are), but it’s only a portion of the truth. If you dig deeper, you’ll find plenty of effort in the making of this narrative, one that tends to obscure the gritty realness behind the scenes—the crying kids, the massive budget, the retouching. 

Even when we capture the perfect shot, when it’s posted and the likes start flooding in, life itself carries on, with all its messiness. There are still anxieties about work and relationships, bills that need to be paid, and health concerns that zap our energy and mental space. As someone who sees both sides—the making of a photo and the final product—I know holding my life up against a well-crafted image can be unhealthy and ultimately pointless. And yet, I can still get sucked into the comparison trap when looking at other people’s posts.

This discrepancy can largely be chalked up to us making assumptions about ourselves and others that are typically untrue. “We lack nuance, contextual details, and often the more difficult moments of people’s lives, and so we fill in the gaps with our own (sometimes unhelpful or inaccurate) assumptions,” Dr. Kirmayer says.  

But the advice to just log off and live your life is unrealistic (especially when your livelihood, like mine, is wrapped up in this game). All those tips about avoiding the comparison trap entirely aren’t all that helpful. So what’s a chronically online person to do? Here are six expert tips that might help you on this journey:

1. Check in on your mood. 

First, check in with yourself to see how social media is impacting your daily life. Clinical psychologist Jacqueline Sperling, PhD, suggests that before you even open an app, you take a second to rate your mood (like: “I’m feeling worried”) on a scale of 1 to 10. After using social media, you can re-rate your mood to see how it changed.

“It’s critical to self-reflect and know when you’re in a space to engage,” Dr. Kirmayer says. So try asking yourself, “Why am I turning to social media now? Is this going to help me meet my needs (to feel less alone, to channel creativity) or am I better off calling a friend or journaling?”

If you tend to feel worse after scrolling, try limiting your screen time or consider a social media break if you’re able to swing that. 

2. Engage meaningfully, not mindlessly.

Pay attention to how you use social media, Dr. Sperling advises. Is it active (like research for work or making plans with friends) or passive (like a mindless boredom scroll)? Is it “self-oriented” (updating your avi) or “other-oriented” (ruminating on a specific post or person)? If you’re using it passively and with a focus on others, that can be a recipe for social comparison, she says. 

3. Set boundaries and focus on connection.

Set a digital boundary (like maybe not scrolling in bed) and slam that mute button on accounts that make you feel like garbage, Dr. Kirmayer says. Then, if you want to, follow more accounts that post things that align with your values and make you feel like you’re having more meaningful interactions, Dr. Sperling adds. 

4. Try to celebrate other people’s wins. 

While “highlight reels” don’t tell the whole story, the assumption that everyone is miserable behind the scenes is inaccurate as well. So making yourself feel better by convincing yourself that someone’s life is actually going up in flames isn’t all that effective. It’s not always easy (especially if your high school bully just won the lottery), but try to shift your perspective when folks share positive updates on their lives.

Next time something cool happening to someone else makes you a little upset, see if you can make an effort to celebrate the people you love or the creators you enjoy. Even if you don’t drop a comment, changing the way you think can make a big difference in how much social media might impact you. Plus, positivity tends to come back to us in one way or another, and it’s also a great way to be inspired on your own journey. 

5. Prioritize IRL relationships. 

Find a balance and shift your focus to relationships and activities outside of social media. “We need that reality check from our real relationships to counteract the unrealistic ideals and expectations,” Dr. Kirmayer says. So create “hard stops,” aka real-life obligations that force you to put! the! phone! down! Free ideas: Call a friend, go run an errand, or try an outdoor hobby. 

6. Remember your inherent worth. 

Showing yourself more compassion and focusing on your own beauty, strengths, and talents can combat being overly self-critical. “There will always be others who have talents, attributes, experiences, or things that we covet. It’s OK that this is hard. It’s important to validate the feelings that show up,” Dr. Kirmayer says. Remember how great you are by keeping a highlights folder of meaningful feedback from your work peeps, making a collage of your favorite memories with friends, and writing out everything you love about yourself. 

By accepting feelings of insecurity, while reminding yourself that you’re valuable just as you are (don’t forget this step!), you can start to break out of the comparison trap. Then, you might be able to use social media in a more positive, compassionate, and productive way.  

The post How to Break Out of the Social Media Comparison Trap appeared first on Wondermind.