Pro Tips Link Copied 09.16.22

How to Make Long-Distance Friendships Less Awkward

Taco Tuesdays won’t be the same, but you’ll find a new groove. ByMarina Khidekel

If coordinating a group hang suddenly involves a sprawling text thread, a shared Google calendar, and someone who’s great at finding flights, you’re not alone. Welcome to the tricky business of long-distance friendships. The past few years had a lot of people going through some major moves thanks to the pandemic and the wild housing market. So whether it was you who moved or a friend (or, uh, several friends), your core group of local friends might look a lot different these days, and that can be surprisingly rough to deal with. 

“One theme I hear in my work on friendship is that people are often caught off guard when it comes to both the complexity and intensity of their emotions related to long-distance friendships,” says Miriam Kirmayer, PhD,, a clinical psychologist and friendship researcher who is also a member of Wondermind’s Advisory Committee. “We talk a lot about how challenging long-distance romantic relationships can be, and we don’t do enough to normalize how difficult it can be to maintain a long-distance friendship, both practically and emotionally,” Kirmayer says.

Some of those emotions are more surprising than others, but the intensity of your feels when a friendship goes from local to long distance is usually what surprises people.

Let’s talk about the range of emotions that comes with this transition.

You’re gonna feel anxiety, especially “anticipatory anxiety,” which is super common leading up to a big change or separation that involves uncertainty, says Dr. Kirmayer. You might spiral over stuff like how often you’ll see each other and whether the distance will make you grow apart.  And you may feel hella anxious about the need to make new friends nearby now that you’re physically losing one. Another wave of anxiety could come when the emotional distance actually kicks in, especially if you feel like you don’t really know what to say to your friend anymore or how to connect with them in this new version of your friendship.

Then there’s the inevitable sadness. “I think that many people expect to be a little sad when a friendship that was once local becomes long distance, but I want people to know that it’s OK if you’re way more than a little sad and to not be surprised if you find yourself really down,” says Joy Harden Bradford, PhD, a clinical psychologist, host of the platform and podcast Therapy for Black Girls, and author of the forthcoming book Sisterhood Heals.

Part of being able to move through your sadness is allowing yourself to actually grieve the loss of having your friend nearby, says Dr. Kirmayer. Then, try to approach the situation with as much openness and curiosity you can muster, which can get you out of a place of grief and into a place of excitement about the new experiences and memories you’ll create in this next chapter of your friendship.

Envy and jealousy can also sneak in, says Dr. Kirmayer. You might feel legit jealous when your friend starts making new friends in their new city. Or envious when a friend’s move is connected to an experience you want for yourself, like a new job, buying a house, getting married, having a baby, or even traveling and exploring the world, which you may not be able to do on that scale right now.

The trickiest part is that all of these not-fun emotions can unfold against your genuine happiness and excitement for your friend’s journey. We can also experience a sense of relief when a friend moves away if we felt a bit of ambivalence about the friendship itself. “A bit of separation can sometimes help us to set or reset boundaries that allow us to continue connecting in healthy ways,” Dr. Kirmayer says.

So, how do you actually navigate all of these tough and sometimes conflicting feels? We asked the experts for some tips and advice for making long distance friendships feel less awkward.

1. Talk about the move before it happens. 

“One of the biggest mistakes I see friends make is to wait until things get hard or weird to talk about their friendship or their feelings and needs,” says Dr. Kirmayer. So have The Talk ahead of time, if you can. Air out all the weirdness you’re both feeling rather than avoiding it and pretending it’s not there (because we all know it’s there). 

If broaching the subject feels intimidating, you can try something like: “I’ve been thinking a lot about how our friendship might change when we’re long distance and I want to make sure we stay in each other’s lives in a way that feels good for both of us. Can we chat about what it might be like?” It doesn’t have to be a heavy conversation, but it can open up a space for you to brainstorm what’s do-able and reassure each other that you’re invested in making your friendship work, says Dr. Kirmayer. “This can be especially helpful when the move is related to another big life change or transition, like a demanding job, parenthood, or the pursuit of personal growth,” she says.

2. Create new rituals and traditions together. 

Let’s just be honest that it’s going to be super weird not to do Sunday brunch and Thursday yoga with this person every single week from now on. So finding other ways to consistently and routinely be in each other’s lives is important. That might look like sending each other texts and voice memos throughout the day or arranging to meet up or call at the same time every week or month, says Dr. Bradford.

There’s also something inherently comforting about rituals and traditions, says Dr. Kirmayer. And we’re usually better at keeping these commitments as opposed to those flexible we’ll-figure-it-out hangs. “From smaller commitments like a weekly catch-up to watching a favorite show together from afar, or a bigger to-do like a yearly getaway or holiday celebration, being able to anticipate and feel the familiarity of an experience makes it that much more meaningful.” 

Another thing you might miss is experiencing new things together…at the same time. Try to work around that by planning activities (virtual or IRL) that you can do together for the first time—like a new book you’ll read at the same time or a trip to a new-to-both-of-you place. “The novelty of these experiences can help to deepen the relationship and give you additional points for connection,” Dr. Bradford says. 

3. Make your moments of connection the “main event.” 

Multitasking (like calling a friend while grocery shopping or running errands) can make your catch-ups more convenient, but you’re also sacrificing the quality of your conversations when half your attention is focused on finding the ripe avocados. “That’s why I suggest that friends prioritize quality time, the same way we typically do in our romantic partnerships,” says Dr. Kirmayer. “Minimize distractions and focus on being present with and for each other. This will help you feel closer, no matter how far away you might be.” 

4. Check in whenever you’re thinking of them. 

A big part of what makes our friendships so meaningful and so different from our other relationships is that they’re voluntary, says Dr. Kirmayer. You don’t have  to stay in each other’s lives, so it’s that much more special that you both keep making the effort to do so. “The more we are able to act on this voluntary nature, to show our friends that we are thinking of them, that we are choosing them, the closer we often feel,” she says. A simple “Hi, miss you!” or “This dog made me think of you,” can be incredibly meaningful. Recent research even shows that our friends appreciate these little check-ins much more than we expect. 

5. Challenge your worst-case-scenario thoughts. 

It’s super common to assume the worst about your changing friendship, says Dr. Kirmayer. She’s talking about beliefs like, We’ll never be as close emotionally as we were when we were living together. Or, I haven’t heard from her in weeks because she’s pulling away from me or too busy with her new friends. When thoughts like this creep in, try not to automatically believe them. These beliefs are often exaggerated, and leaning into them isn’t helpful, says Dr. Kirmayer. “The friends that are able to make a long-distance connection work best are often those that are able to recognize and reframe negative beliefs,” she says. So if you start to spiral, check in with your friend about how you’re feeling rather than let your worries run wild. Remind yourself of all the deeply important parts of your bond that have nothing to do with your proximity—like your eerily similar sense of humor and your shared love of true crime docs. 

6. Don’t stress over the inevitable dry spells. 

We’ve all been there: You blink and it’s somehow been three months since you last talked. Or—worse—you forgot to reach out on some big, memorable moment and now you feel like shit. Is it too weird to try to just pick up where you left off?

“Something else I think is important is to not get into a spiral of not reaching out because you feel like it’s been too long since you last reached out or since they last reached out,” Dr. Bradford says. Life happens—there will  be missed calls, unanswered texts, and meetups that you just couldn’t make work—but don’t not reach out because you feel like it’s been too long or things have felt “different.” It happens. And, again, friends tend to really appreciate those random calls and check-ins more than you know, says Dr. Bradford. “It’s typically not too late to get things back on track.”

The post How to Make Long-Distance Friendships Less Awkward appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 09.16.22

Have You Ever Tried Co-Regulation?

Mind if I borrow your chill? ByMarina Khidekel

If you’ve ever felt like anxiety or anger or any other big emotion had you spinning out of control—and then a friend’s calm, steady vibes helped bring you back to Earth—you’ve experienced co-regulation (or coregulation). 

You’ve probably seen the term floating around Instagram, especially from the parents or parenting experts in your feed. And, sure, co-regulation is a hot topic when raising kids, because kids aren’t born knowing how to regulate their own emotions so they need their parents to model how. But the concept of co-regulation has recently broken out of parenting circles and into more mainstream mental health convos. Turns out, grownups need some help managing their emotions too. 

So, what is co-regulation? How does it work? And how can you—a whole adult—actively use it in your life? We asked the pros to break it down.

What is co-regulation anyway?

“The clinical use of the word is to describe a person’s ability to regulate their nervous system through the help of another person,” says Minaa B., LMSW, a licensed therapist, social worker, and writer in New York who is also on Wondermind’s advisory committee.

“A simple way to understand it is in terms of how one regulated system can help another system achieve regulation. I say ‘system’ because humans can co-regulate with pets and even nature,” adds Yolanda Renteria, LPC, a psychotherapist and somatic coach, who specializes in healing from trauma. “It’s important to note that regulation is not about feeling calm or relaxed. Regulation is simply the feeling of being in the present and in control.”

In practice this might look like giving someone a bear hug, holding someone’s hand, talking to someone in a calming tone, or even just sitting with someone who’s spiraling in their emotions, says Minaa B.

Co-regulating can be majorly helpful because when someone is overwhelmed to the point of having a panic attack, or just really anxious—that person’s nervous system is out of whack, leading them to be in a state of “fight, flight, freeze, or fawning,” says Minaa B. And it’s hella hard to go from panicked to steady without A+ level self-regulating skills. “That’s where co-regulation comes in. It’s when you use someone’s nervous system to heal your own,” she says.

It’s not like the friend sitting with you and helping you regulate your emotions is actually solving your issues—and that’s OK. It’s not even the point. “The role of someone who co-regulates is not to solve a problem. But it is through their regulated presence that they are signaling safety to a dysregulated nervous system,” adds Renteria.

Your mind can actually mirror the person you’re co-regulating with.

When our nervous system is on the fritz, so is our prefrontal cortex. “And we need that part of the brain to be online in order to make healthy decisions,” says Minaa. B. If you’re having a panic attack or are in emotional distress, you’re usually not able to think clearly and logically. In these moments, calling a friend may help you to feel safe and calm you down quicker than trying to do it on your own, she says. ”If self-regulating isn’t working, find ways to reach out to a lifeline and get extra help.” If you’ve ever cried/panicked/hyperventilated on the phone with someone until you gradually calmed down, you get it.

Add to that the fact that humans are simply wired for connection—and co-regulation helps us feel connected to someone else. In co-regulation, our brain’s mirror neurons start firing—these are the cells that are activated when we observe someone else doing something or being a certain way, says Renteria. She offers the example of how we tend to match each other’s tone and volume when we’re speaking, and we might even be less afraid in a sketchy situation when we notice the people around us seem chill. “It doesn’t mean that how we feel will completely go away, but it does mean that we are less likely to have completely mismatched responses,” she says.

If you want to put this to a test, Renteria suggests thinking back to the last time you panicked about the possibility of something really bad happening—then you talked to someone about it and that person told you why they didn’t think the terrible thing would happen or why it wouldn’t be as bad as you thought. “It is likely that there was a part of you that was still afraid, but the perception of calmness or a sense of safety in the other person likely helped your system access some ease,” Rentaria explains. Relatable!

If you didn’t learn co-regulation from your parents, you can still learn.

Because kids aren’t born knowing how to regulate, a parent needs to teach the kid how to manage those big, heavy emotions and build healthy and secure attachments—which kids then go on to create with other people as adults, says Minaa B. 

“When we think about attachment and co-regulation, we think about the parent/child relationship,” says Renteria. “This is what sets the foundation for how our body learns to regulate.” If growing up, you had a consistently calm, regulated presence in your parents, you likely learned by example to regulate your own nervous system when you get stressed out. If your parents established that even in tough times, things would eventually be OK, you (and your body) probably took those feelings and reactions with you into adulthood. Yeah, life gets bonkers, but you and your nervous system are pretty good at managing that chaos when it pops up and remembering that you’re safe and supported and that things will (usually) work out. 

On the flipside, if as a kid you witnessed dysregulation in your parents, then you may not have learned how to cope with those big emotions. “A lot of times the body learns to disconnect, collapse, or shut down as a way to get some relief from the distress,” Renteria says. So whenever we experience strong emotions, we may feel complete overwhelm followed by shutdown.

If your childhood co-regulation education was lacking, don’t stress. We can absolutely learn these skills as adults too. “When we have a therapist, partner, friend, or family member who feels safe and regulated, we can learn to co-regulate,” says Renteria. “We just have to be patient, since it may take time for the body to learn a new pattern—that even when distress arises, things will be OK.”

The next time you’re struggling to navigate some big emotions, and you’re in the presence of someone safe, try placing a hand on your chest and one on your stomach while paying attention to your breath and how it feels to be next to or talking to someone who feels safe, says Renteria. “Notice their tone of voice if they are speaking and their facial expressions. A lot of times we can regulate in silence by simply being close to someone and noticing how the connection feels in our body,” she says. Physical touch can also be a great way to co-regulate. Try hugging, holding hands, or even just putting your hand on their arm while you relax your body and notice your breath, she says. Honestly, even your pet can be a great co-regulating partner if they bring a calming presence (and like to snuggle). 

Remember that co-regulation isn’t a cure-all. 

Most of the time, it’s safe to co-regulate if you can be a grounding presence for someone else, or if someone can be that for you. It doesn’t have to be lengthy or elaborate—it might just be telling someone that you’re there to support them and that they will be OK, says Rentaria. Still, “it’s very important to know that co-regulation is not a cure, but a tool people can access to feel more in control,” she says. “Always consult with a professional if your symptoms are severe and/or persistent.”

So, are there any circumstances in which you just shouldn’t  try co-regulating? Absolutely. It may sound obvious, but it’s worth mentioning: “I would not recommend trying to co-regulate with someone who is abusive, harmful, or has a history of making you feel worse,” says Minaa. B. “Remember the goal of co-regulation is to get back to your window of tolerance, not push yourself further out, so who you seek help from matters.” If you’re spiraling a lot lately, and it’s hard for you to stabilize your emotions, it’s a good idea to get help and support from a therapist, she says.

The bottom line: There’s no shame if you didn’t learn how to come down from big emotions in childhood—so many of us didn’t get those skills modeled for us, even if our parents were doing their best. But it’s useful and empowering to know that co-regulation is an option for everyone at every age. And, when you think about it, the concept of co-regulation—healing your frazzled nervous system through the presence of someone’s calm one—is pretty damn beautiful.

The post Have You Ever Tried Co-Regulation? appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 09.16.22

How to Deal With Your Jealous Streak

Stewing about a text thread that doesn't include you? Right this way… ByMarina Khidekel

Your partner has seemed a little too receptive to the (oddly handsy) barista lately. Your best friend is suddenly spending all their time with someone they met at their job. WTF. Are you being replaced? Left behind? Are you not good enough? Why are you suddenly so jelly?! And how can you deal with this jealousy?

Listen, we all get jealous. And while it’s not a very fun emotion to feel, it’s a wildly common one. It’s also not necessarily a bad thing. Experts say jealousy can actually be an agent of clarity in your life—helping bring into focus the goals and values that matter most to you, and motivating you to go for the things you want. But if you’re seeing green more than you’re comfortable with lately, here’s how to deal.

What even is jealousy, and why does it happen?

Jealousy crops up when you experience a threat—real or perceived—that someone or something important to you could be taken away, says Jen Douglas, PhD, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford University School of Medicine. Like the threat of a partner leaving you for that barista, the threat of a friend being pulled away by someone new, or the threat of that new colleague being given all the cool projects that should be yours. 

Unlike envy (where someone has something you want, but isn’t actively taking something away from you), jealousy is a three-person emotion, says Jaimie Krems, PhD, a social psychology researcher and assistant professor of psychology at Oklahoma State University. “Jealousy feels like a mix of anxiety, betrayal, sadness, and anger,” she adds. It makes us feel crappy and “less than,” or like we are at risk of being replaced. 

But, let’s say it again louder for the people in the back: Jealousy is universal. “Humans are not the only beings that experience jealousy. Animals do as well,” says Raquel Martin, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist, professor, and scientist. Even literal babies get jelly. “A number of studies have found evidence that infants as young as 6 months old display behaviors that appear to indicate jealousy in studies that involved the infant, their mom, and another infant,” says Dr. Martin.

Almost anyone will be jealous in specific circumstances, but some people may be more predisposed to feeling it, says Dr. Douglas, like people who’ve experienced serious loss in their past, infidelity in a relationship, or emotional trauma or abuse. And, maybe not surprisingly, people who struggle with low self-esteem are also more prone to being jealous, she says.

Here’s how to deal with jealousy when it pops up. 

Unchecked jealousy can be like walking around with a caseless phone—it’s risky and a bit dangerous. Jealousy has a way of clouding your judgment and making you act out of impulse. Like spending hours going down a social media rabbit hole looking up every post your partner has ever commented on, or picking a fight with them even though they weren’t in control of what made you jealous (like if they had to work late and couldn’t spend time with you, or someone flirted with them.) “If we let our jealousy control our actions, we may end up driving away others even if what we want is to keep them in our lives,” says Dr. Douglas.

So, instead of just letting your jealousy run the show, try to get curious and figure out what needs or wants this jealousy is signaling to you. To help with that, here are some expert-backed ways for how to deal with your jealousy the next time it pops up.

1. First, do nothing. 

“When we feel jealousy our brain can go into fight/flight/freeze mode,” says Dr. Douglas. At that point, logic leaves the building and you’re basically in survival mode. The goal is to combat jealousy with logic, but before you can do that, you need to get out of that desperate emotional place. So Dr. Douglas advises her clients to do, well, nothing about the jealousy in the moment. 

Instead, do something else to regulate your emotions when jealousy flares. That could look like taking a break and doing something unrelated to the jealousy—like reading, exercising, or literally cooling yourself down by sucking on a piece of ice (as weird as it sounds, this can both distract you and activate the calming effects of the parasympathetic nervous system). Then, you can return to a sense of safety before addressing the jealousy head on. “Remind yourself that you are physically safe, even if the jealousy turns out to be well-founded,” she says. “Even if I am jealous that a coworker is surpassing me at work, or the barista just flirted with my partner—I am physically, in this moment, safe.” 

2. Ask yourself what you need to feel less jealous.

Once you’re out of the heat of the moment, check in with yourself. Do you need reassurance from your partner that they love you and aren’t going anywhere? Do you need to take steps to shine on the job? Maybe it’s more than that. Maybe you realize you need to work through some trauma from your childhood that’s leading to your jealousy. Or maybe it’s that you always need to be the most successful person in the room—in which case you might want to do some inner work with the help of a therapist so jealousy doesn’t keep plaguing you.

3. If this is about your partner, talk about it. 

If your jealousy is centered around your relationship, whatever you do, don’t hide it and let it fester. Instead, communicate your needs when you are out of fight/flight/freeze mode. Your partner may even reassure you that your jealousy was unwarranted. Either way, the jealousy will usually just get worse if you push it down and ignore it, Dr. Douglas says.

What if you’ve talked to your partner about it but you feel like you’re always in the same jealous scenario ? “Then it may be helpful to take a step back and see if it really is about your reaction, versus a situation that your partner continuously puts you in,” says Dr. Martin.

4. Consider if it’s your environment that’s making you a jealous person. 

“It’s important to address the possibility of environmental scenarios pushing these feelings on you as well,” Dr. Martin points out. Does a competitive work culture constantly pit you against your colleagues? If so, recognize that that’s the vibe they’re creating and that your feelings are to be expected. When it comes to those “less-than” imposter syndrome-esque feelings, Dr. Martin encourages people to survey the situation as well as their own emotions. For instance, ask yourself: “Am I feeling like I don’t belong in this environment because of internal driving forces, or is my environment hostile towards me as a Black woman and I am feeling that?” she suggests.

5. Do some deeper reflection (maybe with a therapist). 

Say your jealousy is really messing with your head or interfering with your life. It’s probably time to get to the root of the problem, and talking to a therapist can be a great place to start.

Learning emotional regulation skills (like taking yourself out of a heated or anxiety-filled situation) can help you manage negative emotions like jealousy in the moment, says Dr. Douglas. But if the theme keeps coming up again and again, it’s likely a sign of a deeper issue that you deserve to heal. For example, if you’ve felt intense jealousy with every partner you’ve been with, that might be a sign there is a deeper theme at play, which a therapist could help you work through. 

“You will have to do some inner work and possibly outer work as well,” says Dr. Martin. The inner part starts with pinpointing what patterns, scenarios, and relationships are fueling your jealousy, identifying your reactions to that jealousy, and preparing yourself for all of it, she says. That might mean keeping your distance from that coworker you’re usually jealous of or coming up with a plan to foster your growth at work so that you care less about hers.

The bottom line: You’re not weird or broken for getting jealous—it happens to the best of us. The next time you get jealous, take a beat to think about what it’s trying to tell you, rather than acting on it immediately. And if you find yourself seething with jealousy a lot of the time, talking to a mental health professional might help you get to the root of that so you can work through those jealous feels more effectively.

The post How to Deal With Your Jealous Streak appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 09.15.22

9 Ways to Deal With Envy When It Pops Up

If Susan gets to go on one more European vacation… ByMarina Khidekel

We’ve all been there. You’re scrolling away and suddenly feel super envious: of your cousin’s effortless career trajectory, of your coworker’s amazing vacation, of a high school friend with the perfect house and car and dog. So it makes sense if you’re in need of some expert-approved ways to deal with all that envy. And we got you.

Envy is an incredibly normal and even “ubiquitous” emotion, and understanding that is the first step to dealing with it. It basically happens when you feel someone has something you want, like that perfect career, home, or relationship. The key to envy though is that this person didn’t take something away from you. You just also want it, which is fair! That’s what separates envy from jealousy, where there is a real or perceived threat of someone taking away something you have—like someone stealing away your partner or taking the job you want (you can dive deeper into the difference between envy and jealousy here). 

So, why are we like this?

A variety pack of evolutionary, cultural, and socialization factors all mix together to determine how you personally feel and deal with envy, says Raquel Martin, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist, professor, and scientist. For starters, there are obvious evolutionary advantages of having the “higher status” we envy (better lifestyle, health, longevity, etc.). In terms of culture, maybe your family or school placed a huge emphasis on competing with others, so you’re more prone to feeling envious when you think you’re falling “behind.” Or maybe you’re just a person who exists in the world with social media and you’re constantly seeing the highlight reel of other people’s lives and wondering how the hell you can get what they have. 

Basically, envy happens to all of us. But the cool thing is that you can actually make envy work in your favor.  Envy helps us see what’s important to us, because the reality is you wouldn’t be feeling envious of someone’s trip or job or millions of followers if you didn’t also care about those things too. Remember, when we feel envy it’s not because this person has actually taken away something from you, so you can stop demonizing your cousin who most likely didn’t get that job to spite you. And once you realize that, you can focus your envious energy in a more productive way.   

“Envy can often serve the purpose of making our goals in life more clear,” says Jen Douglas, PhD, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford University School of Medicine. In other words, you don’t have to stew in vain over your friend’s home purchase or dream wedding. You can start working towards some wins for yourself.

Here, we asked the experts for their top tips for managing your (totally normal and valid) envy when it strikes. 

1. Separate yourself from your envy.

“You are experiencing envy, you are not an envious person,” says Dr. Martin. In other words, you can observe and address your emotions, like envy, without defining yourself by them.  “Emotions are not right or wrong, they just are. Shaming or guilting yourself for experiencing the emotions won’t help you heal. This is the first step to managing any and all feelings in my professional opinion,” Dr. Martin says. So there you have it: You are not your envy.

2. Notice when you feel it.

Get to know your patterns around feeling envy, says Dr. Martin. Do you experience this when you are around certain people? Do you notice these feelings are more prevalent during certain times of the year, or maybe times of transition?

Once you notice a pattern you can take steps to address it. Like, if you’re envious when you’re around a certain person, says Dr. Martin, prep yourself first by saying some affirmations before you see them, or making sure what you’re wearing makes you feel amazing. Or even asking them about how they got to where they are.

If social media is triggering a lot of envy, do a spring cleaning of who you are following. “If seeing someone’s posts always makes you feel envious, and you never feel connected or happy when engaging with them, hit the unfollow button!” says Dr. Douglas. “While a little bit of envy is good to tell us what we want in life, following 100 celebrities and feeling envy for hours a day on social media is not healthy.” 

Also important: Get familiar with how your body reacts to envy, says Dr. Douglas. Do your muscles tense up? Does your heart race? Getting a handle on how your body expresses emotions helps you identify the emotion more quickly. Next time you notice this, try some physical relaxation techniques like mindful breathing to help calm yourself in the moment if the feeling is intense, she says.

3.  Make a list of your envy triggers.

Getting clear on what you feel envious of will help direct your energy to a more positive place. For example, if that friend from high school is very successful and you find yourself envious when you see them on social media, think about what exactly you want that they have, says Dr. Douglas. “Do you actually want a white Range Rover? Or is it that they seem to be in a happy relationship? Depending on what you are envying, that will tell you what to put your energy into obtaining for yourself.”

4. Question the hell out of it. 

Before taking your envy at face value, question whether you really  want the thing(s) you don’t have, why, and if it is worth it, says Jaimie Krems, PhD, a social psychology researcher and assistant professor of psychology at Oklahoma State University. For example, maybe you’re envious of someone’s career highlights posted on social media, but what if the real story is that they haven’t taken a day off in six months? Would you still want it?

Also, is what you want even real? What’s behind those images are professional lighting, Photoshop, etc. Other people’s lives are never exactly the way they’re presented. Maybe your friend has an amazing house and car, but other aspects of her life are really effing hard. Or maybe your friends who seem like ~couple goals~ are actually on the verge of a messy breakup. Remind yourself that you never see the whole picture. “Envy is about wanting something someone else has,” says Dr. Krems. “But do they even really have it? 

5. Be more realistic in your comparisons. 

Don’t make yourself feel small when the thing you’re comparing yourself to will probably never be achievable anyway—and that’s OK! “Comparing my singing abilities to that of Beyonce is just ludicrous,” says Dr. Martin. “That is upward social comparison and it’s going to make me feel crappy.”

Your example may not be as extreme, but are you comparing your achievements to someone who had advantages you didn’t? Are you envious of your friend’s #couplegoals even though they’ve been together forever while you just started dating someone? “Envy is unpleasant to feel, and sometimes we simply can’t get the things that we want,” says Dr. Krems. We can’t be 21 again. We can’t (all) date Harry Styles. “Don’t torture yourself,” Dr. Krems says. “Take yourself out of the situation that makes you constantly aware of wanting things you don’t have.”

6. See envy as a message.

“When you feel envy, take it as a message telling you about something that you would like in your life,” says Dr. Douglas. You can think of it as your wishlist. “So if I’m envious that a friend just got married, and I’ve been single for a while, that envy might be telling me that I should make more time for dating and relationships,” she says. 

“Use your envy for good,” says Dr. Krems. “OK, someone else has a baller job, speaks a second language, is getting their PhD. You want that. Make it happen!” Envy does not have to be the end emotion. Take a few minutes and write down the smallest possible steps toward getting what you want, like pitching a new idea at work, or sprucing up your resume so you can look for a better-paying job.

7. Make a little gratitude list. 

Yes, it’s been said a million times before, but hear us out. When you feel envy, you’re concentrating on what you don’t have—like that closet full of Chanel bags you saw in an influencer’s closet—and tend to forget all of the good things in your life (like your amazing group of friends, the car you saved for and bought yourself, or your pet that you wouldn’t trade for the world). Connecting with gratitude reorients your brain to focus on the good, rather than the lack of something, says Dr. Douglas. 

And sure, that superstar entrepreneur may have been lucky enough to have family money to get her business off the ground, but you might be lucky in other ways. “Luck plays a huge role in life. Maybe you didn’t luck into the thing someone else has. But focus on what you did luck into and why you value it,” says Dr. Krems. 

8. Do a brief values audit.  

“Materialistic things are great, and I will not deny that money doesn’t provide opportunities,” says Dr. Martin. “However, it is also important to identify the core things that drive you and motivate you as well.” Do you covet others’ money because it’s, well, money—or is it what the money means, like freedom to travel and support others? Is there another way that you can achieve those values? 

If you’re hung up on why others have achieved a level of status (fame, fortune, popularity) you haven’t, Dr. Martin suggests an exercise called the “Life-Space Pie”. Draw a circle separated into ten “pieces.” In each piece, write something in your life that has meaning, other than status. Next, assign a percentage of your focus that you want to give to each of these pieces. “This is helpful because it broadens your focus on many important aspects of your life other than status, and can bring attention to areas of your life that aren’t getting the focus that they deserve,” such as time with your family or that screenplay you’ve been meaning to start.

9. Talk about it with someone you trust. 

There’s an element of shame that goes with feeling envy, so we often keep it to ourselves. “But negative emotions tend to fester and get worse if we bury them inside,” says Dr. Douglas. If your envy is really bothering you or getting in the way of other parts of your life, you might want to talk to a therapist about it. Even talking to a friend can help, says Dr. Douglas. Everyone has felt envy at some point in their lives. Basically any friend you feel close enough to open up to will be able to relate. 

The post 9 Ways to Deal With Envy When It Pops Up appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 09.15.22

Wait, Do You Have Anger Issues?

If you've already snapped at three people today, maybe take a sec to read this article. ByMarina Khidekel

We all get mad. But if you’re getting mad, staying mad, and thinking about being mad a lot of the time—or if your anger has become A Thing and people are noticing—that’s worth paying attention to. Maybe you’ve lost some friends because of your short fuse or paid some not-so-fun consequences for losing your temper at work or your temper blazes from 0 to 100 every time you’re behind a slowpoke in line.  Honestly, if you’ve ever stopped to wonder, “Do I have anger issues?” it might be time to talk to someone about your anger. Here’s how to know if you could benefit from some anger management strategies—plus what that even entails.

When should you see someone for your anger?

Anger is a normal, productive emotion that serves a legit purpose: alerting us to the values that matter to us, the boundaries we don’t want to be crossed, and the changes we want to make in our own lives or in the world. 

So eliminating anger entirely isn’t realistic—nor is it the goal. We all get angry, but the key is learning how to manage your anger and maybe even channel it in ways that benefit you—like a little self-reflection, a creative outlet, or maybe even some personal growth. Learning to control our anger takes practice, it’s not easy, and it’s an ongoing process for anyone.

“If a person is concerned about their anger, it makes good sense to talk with someone about it,” says Ryan Martin, PhD, an associate dean and professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay, and the author of Why We Get Mad. “It’s a healthy, smart thing to take time to reflect on those feelings and think about the impact they’re having on their life.” 

That said, there are some clear signs that you should talk to someone about your rage. The biggest red flag: Your anger interferes with your relationships, work, or safety. 

“If your anger causes arguments, outbursts, violence, or disconnection within your important relationships, such as your marriage/relationship, children, friends, parents, coworkers, boss, etc., it is time to see a professional,” says Danielle McGraw, PhD, a clinical psychologist and owner of Flourish Mental Wellness, who specializes in relationships, trauma, anger and anxiety. 

If you’re finding it hard to deal with conflicts without getting irate, you’re having explosive angry outbursts, people around you seem legit scared or upset by your anger, or if it gets in the way of your work or family life, those are all signs you would benefit from talking to a pro. Same goes if your anger is putting you or others in unsafe situations like if you’re trailing cars that cut you off in traffic or starting arguments in public places, Dr. McGraw says. And if your anger is leading you to overuse substances like drugs or alcohol to cope or you’re harming yourself in other ways, that definitely warrants reaching out to a therapist.

What even is anger management therapy?

We’ve all heard about anger management, right? But what does that look like in practice? One of the common approaches to anger management therapy is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which involves changing your thought patterns to change your behavior, says Dr. Martin. During these sessions, your therapist will help you understand and recognize your anger triggers and warning signs, and then equip you with coping skills (plus relaxation tips) to reduce your anger in the moment. They’ll also help you learn ways to challenge the unhelpful thoughts that lead to extreme anger and replace them with more productive ways of looking at things. The typical anger management treatment span is 12 sessions, but you might need more or fewer depending on your progress, says Dr. McGraw. 

While we tend to think of anger management as something you do in a group setting, individual therapy is also an option. There are pros and cons to both, so it really depends on whether you’ll open up more in private or you prefer the validation and support that comes from being around other people who share your experience. The key is that you feel comfortable because, if you’re not, your progress could suffer, Dr. McGraw says. 

Here’s how anger management works.

A lot of anger management focuses on pinpointing and troubleshooting the usual patterns we fall into when we’re mad, says Dr. McGraw. When you experience anger, your internal anger “scripts” and motor impulses automatically activate. If the scripts you’ve learned about anger are negative, then a negative reaction—like screaming your head off at someone or getting aggressive—will follow. Fortunately, the way we respond to anger isn’t fixed. Anger management therapy helps you learn more effective skills you can practice in therapy and in your own life. Over time, your default script can become a healthy one. Pretty cool, right? 

One part of this involves investigating the thought patterns that take you from minorly mad to Big Mad. “Anger is most often a result of how we evaluate a situation” says Dr. McGraw. So, if you’re stuck in a pattern of all-or-nothing thinking (“Nothing ever goes my way, and everyone is out to get me”), your therapist will help you understand the assumptions that are leading to your anger and replace them with more balanced thoughts. You might start to ask yourself questions like: Is there more to the story than what my thoughts are telling me? Do the facts of the situation support my thoughts and feelings? Is my thought based on feeling or fact? 

You’ll also learn physical tactics that help you regulate your nervous system so anger doesn’t get to that boiling-over place, she says. That can start with mindful meditations where you pay attention to what anger feels like in your body, especially when you’re just starting to get angry. Mindful deep breathing exercises will help you learn to slow down your nervous system and regulate your blood pressure and heart rate, thereby disrupting the anger signals your body sends to your brain. You might also learn progressive muscle relaxation: tensing and relaxing muscle groups throughout your body one at a time, sending your body signals to relax. 

Finally, you’ll also learn how to lean into your anger. It might sound counterintuitive, but embracing your anger and learning how to interact with it productively and compassionately will help you figure out what it’s trying to tell you, says Dr. McGraw. “Underneath strong emotion is often a need,” she says. “And by identifying that need we can help soothe the emotion.” For example, if you get angry after being rejected, you might be craving more connection or intimacy. Once you know that, you can do things that bring more of that into your life.

What if your anger isn’t disrupting your life…yet?

If you’re worried about your anger even though it hasn’t led to negative consequences yet, it’s worth talking with a therapist to prevent things from escalating, says Nicole Cammack, PhD,  a licensed clinical psychologist and the president and CEO of Black Mental Wellness.

Honestly, if it’s been on your mind lately, chances are you could benefit from an anger audit with a therapist. “The mindfulness and thought-challenging work makes it worth taking anger management, even if anger is not quite interfering in your life yet. These are skills anyone can benefit from,” says Dr. McGraw. 

When you learn to be mindful of your emotions, how they feel in your body, and have the language to describe them, you can have a healthier relationship with your emotions in general. Thought challenging is also a valuable skill for all of us to learn. “We often have thoughts, hold them as truth, and go with them without question,” says Dr. McGraw. But “learning to evaluate our thoughts more effectively and learning to choose our thoughts can help us be more in control of our emotions and behavior.”

Here are a few rage-reducing tips to get you started. 

Just because you’ve always reacted to anger a certain way doesn’t mean it’s the way you’re programmed for life. You can absolutely unlearn patterns that don’t serve you and pick up new and healthier ones—and you can start right now.

1. Don’t take it out on your pillow.

Fight the urge to punch your pillow or get aggressive with walls. It may seem helpful, but it’s actually not. “While lashing out at an inanimate object when you are angry is better than doing it to a person, you are still building the association of ‘when I am angry, I hit’—so this can reinforce aggression when it comes to anger,” Dr. McGraw says. (Don’t worry: Tuning into your frustration during boxing class is still allowed.  “If it’s part of an exercise routine and not immediately following the anger situation, it is not problematic,” says Dr. McGraw.) 

2. Maybe skip (un)happy hour.

Turning to substances to make you less angry and more chill is also not the thing. It’s just an avoidance mechanism that’s neither physically nor mentally helpful, says Dr. McGraw.

3. Look for your warning signs of anger.

“Are there any thoughts that you notice before an outburst? What about physical symptoms? Sometimes people may notice an increase in heart rate, feeling hot in your hands or throughout your body, or racing thoughts,” says Dr. Cammack.

4. Try to get out of the situation and into a calmer headspace.

Look for strategies that help you calm down in the moment. The same things might not work for everyone, but the gold standards are removing yourself from a person or situation and taking a literal time out, taking deep breaths, getting your body moving, journaling to better understand your feelings, or doing grounding exercises to help bring you back to the present moment, says Dr. Martin.

“My favorite grounding techniques help you to center yourself and come back to the present moment through engaging your senses. You can go outside or even look in a room and identify five things you see, four things you can touch (think about the texture), three things you can hear, two things that you can smell, and one thing that you can taste,” says Dr. Cammack. “Once you are in a more calm state, you can identify a next step: Do you need to talk to someone, engage in another strategy, or just remove yourself from the trigger?”

The bottom line: If your anger has started negatively affecting your life or relationships, or even if you’re worried it’s going to, there are steps you can take to deal with it. Talking to an expert can help give you the tools you need to take back control of your emotions. 

The post Wait, Do You Have Anger Issues? appeared first on Wondermind.

Pro Tips Link Copied 09.15.22

How to Know What You’re Really Mad About

Meet the anger iceberg. ByMarina Khidekel

When was the last time you felt angry? Like, big mad? 

Maybe it was when your boss brought up a mistake you made in front of coworkers, and you could feel the metaphorical (or maybe literal) bile rising up inside you. Or when your flight was delayed…and delayed some more…causing you to miss your friend’s rehearsal dinner. Or maybe your anger was triggered by yet another enraging headline that made you want to hurl your phone across the room. It happens.

Anger gets a bad rap but it isn’t always bad. It’s a natural human emotion that actually serves an evolutionary purpose to protect us. When you get angry, your sympathetic nervous system is activated, bringing on a fight-or-flight response, speeding up your heart rate, and leading to a surge of adrenaline that makes it easier for you to take physical action if needed.

Of course, all that physical activation doesn’t really help you deal with your typical everyday stressors like Karen from accounting or politicians stripping away your rights. And when your anger is persistent and has nowhere to go, it can lead to some pretty nasty health issues and other stress-related side effects, which is why we don’t want to just let our anger stew and spiral. 

One of the best ways to get your anger under control is to understand what’s behind it. That’s the thinking behind a psychological concept called the anger iceberg.

WTF is the anger iceberg?

The anger iceberg is an analogy used to explain all the deeper emotions that can contribute to any particular bout of anger. It’s widely attributed to the Gottman Institute, an organization of psychologists and researchers that focuses on couples, family, and interpersonal relationship therapy.  

Think of an iceberg floating in the ocean. All you can see of it is the tip. But there’s a lot more iceberg hidden beneath the water. If the tip of the iceberg is your obvious and visible anger, it can be helpful to consider the whole mess of emotions that could be lurking just beneath the surface. 

For instance, your anger about your boss calling out your mistake in front of other coworkers may stem from emotions like embarrassment or shame. Your rage about the flight delay making you late for your friend’s event may stem from feelings of helplessness and frustration. And your anger at all the social injustice you’re seeing on your newsfeed? OK, that might just come from valid feelings of, well, anger.

And that’s the tricky part: Sometimes anger is a secondary emotion that masks a primary one like hurt, shame, envy, sadness, or helplessness. Other times, it’s legitimately the main character. “A lot of the time anger is the primary emotional response to experiencing injustice or having your goals blocked,” says Ryan Martin, PhD, an associate dean and professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay, and the author of Why We Get Mad.  

So, yes, anger is a valid and complete response to something awful. And while the anger iceberg shouldn’t be used to invalidate someone’s rage-y feels, it is a helpful reminder that there might be other feelings worth exploring too. “Emotions rarely happen in a vacuum,” says Dr. Martin. 

How to know what’s at the bottom of your anger iceberg 

“The anger iceberg can be very useful because it allows you to consider, ‘What else is here? What else am I feeling? What happened prior to me becoming angry?’ When you take the time and look beneath the surface, you may be able to have better insight into the specifics that trigger an angry reaction,” says Alicia Hodge PsyD, a psychologist in Washington D.C, and expert on anxiety, perfectionism, and self-care. 

Consider all those times that you lashed out at someone when you were actually feeling hurt. “Oftentimes, complex emotions like betrayal or disappointment can be challenging to address and more difficult to process,” says Dr. Hodge. “It may be more acceptable or easier to identify the angry feelings that result, versus understanding the full process.”

So, how do you actually use this concept to figure out what you’re really mad about? Start by asking yourself a few questions (with zero judgment), like: 

• What was the last thing that happened before I got real mad? 
• How did I interpret the thing that happened?  
• What was my mood at the time? 
• What feelings, beliefs, or values are involved in this situation? 

Answering these questions will usually give you a better view of the depths of your anger iceberg. But…then what? 

“Once you understand those things, you can manage each of them in turn,” says Dr. Martin. “You can explore what provocations you might unintentionally invite into your life.” For instance, is it time to unfollow your racist uncle on Facebook? Should you decline calls from your mom when you don’t have the emotional bandwidth to go on a guilt trip today? Can you make time for some de-stressing activity after work so that you can better shake the day off of you?

Plus, with a deeper understanding of your anger, you can challenge unhelpful or negative thought patterns and inaccurate beliefs that cause you to get angry more than you’d like. Like, This person is out to get me, or Nothing ever goes my way. “You can think about the thoughts you are having and start to catch yourself when you are catastrophizing or overgeneralizing,” says Dr. Martin. 

When anger could be a sign of something else

Sometimes anger is just anger. But maybe you peeped beneath the surface of your anger iceberg and…there was a lot going on down there. Don’t freak out, but in certain cases anger can be a sign that there’s a deeper mental health issue going on. 

For instance, anger and irritability can be triggered more when a person is at their emotional capacity or dealing with another mental health challenge. “When someone is experiencing anxiety or depression, they may have increased irritability that is uncharacteristic of their typical behavior,” Dr. Hodge explains. 

Not to mention that anger is often considered a more “acceptable” form of emotional expression than sadness, helplessness, or anxiety, says Dr. Hodge. So it’s worth taking a deeper look at your mental health if you (or the people close to you) are noticing that you’re angrier than usual lately. 

And in some rare cases, anger can also be a symptom of a personality disorder like antisocial personality disorder or borderline personality disorder (though there would be other symptoms of those conditions in addition to the anger). 

So how do you know if it’s time to seek help for your anger? “We can start to think of a person as having an anger problem when their anger is starting to cause them difficulty in their life or when they are having a hard time coping with it,” says Dr. Martin. 

Obviously, that can look very different for different people. Maybe your anger is messing with your relationships because you’re constantly lashing out at people. Maybe you even get physically aggressive with people or property occasionally. Or maybe your anger is sapping your time and energy because you’re always ruminating on things that set you off or nursing grudges. Your anger could also be pointed inward at yourself and you’re using unhealthy approaches to deal with it. 

If any of this sounds like you, but you’re not alone and help is out there (cheesy but true). Whether you’re dealing with occasional anger that you want to understand better or you’re noticing anger becoming a problem in your life, it’s empowering to look beneath the surface and understand more about your anger and yourself.

It’s also empowering to talk to someone. “I would encourage anyone who is concerned about their anger to meet with a professional to work on some anger management strategies,” says Dr. Martin, who adds that if you’re having trouble finding someone local who specializes in anger specifically, a therapist who specializes in emotion-management strategies can be really helpful. 

The post How to Know What You’re Really Mad About appeared first on Wondermind.

Explainer Link Copied 09.15.22

The Real Difference Between Envy and Jealousy

These tricky feels can actually be super telling. ByMarina Khidekel

Envy vs. jealousy may seem like a tiny matter of semantics but there’s a key difference between these feelings that might surprise you—and that difference can be the secret to helping you work through these tricky feels. 

If you were similarly blown away by Brené Brown’s recent book and HBO special Atlas of the Heart, you might remember that we tend to use the term “jealous” when what we’re really feeling is envy. And, hey, we’re not here to police the comment section if you want to write “omg so jealous” on your friend’s vacation photos. You do you. But knowing the difference between jealousy and envy can actually help you process these emotions more effectively. It can even lead you toward what you really want in life. 

Before we get into the difference, you should know that there’s nothing wrong with feeling envious or jealous (you know, in moderation, hopefully). Both emotions are normal and even evolutionarily necessary, says Jaimie Krems, PhD, a social psychology researcher and  assistant professor of psychology at Oklahoma State University. That means jealousy and envy can actually benefit us, even if feeling them is un-fun in the moment. We asked experts to clarify the difference and tell us what to do with that knowledge.

Envy feels like: Ugh, I want that.  

Simply put, “envy is an emotion that focuses on when others have something that you want,” says Jen Douglas, PhD, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford University School of Medicine. Say your BFF buys her first home while you’re nowhere near being able to. Or maybe you see some influencer posting beautiful travel pics all around the world while you barely have the cash and PTO days to go on a weekend trip somewhere local. These people have something you want, but they’re not actually taking those things away from you. 

Wrapping your head around that distinction is key to processing envy. If you can identify that you envy your friend for buying her first home, you can 1) make sure you don’t become bitter towards her, as she didn’t buy a home to hurt your feelings, and 2) realize how important the goal of buying a house is to you, and reallocate your energy toward that goal, says Dr. Douglas. “Envy can often serve the purpose of making our goals in life more clear,” she says. So, that’s pretty neat. 

Put another way: “Envy is more of a two-person emotion,” says Dr. Krems. It’s triggered by social comparisons—someone has or accomplishes something really freaking awesome that we also would love  to have or do. “For example, we won’t feel envy when someone is a super great high jumper if we don’t care about being a high jumper, but we will feel envy if they get great grades and we also want to excel academically,” says Dr. Krems.

Jealousy feels like: Back off, this is mine. 

Unlike envy, jealousy is more of a three-person emotion, says Dr. Krems. It’s stoked when you feel the threat of losing someone or something you have to another person. Jealousy can feel like a cocktail of anxiety and betrayal, spiked with a dash of sadness and anger, she adds. Whether the threat is real or perceived, when you think someone you love might replace you with someone else, you’ll feel jealousy.

Say someone at a party is flirting with your partner, and your partner seems into it. Hello, jealousy! Same goes if a close friend is nonstop talking about the awesome new coworker they’re suddenly spending a ton of time with. Situations like these send us cues that another party might take someone we cherish away from us and that we might be replaced.

“Jealousy is also very closely tied to a feeling of being ‘less than,’” says Dr. Douglas. Like if someone at work is more outgoing and sparkly in meetings and getting projects that would otherwise be yours, you’ll not only feel jealousy about the cool projects you’re missing out on, but you’ll also feel like you’re not as good as the person being given what should be yours, she says. 

“One of my favorite theories regarding jealousy breaks it down to a framework that states that jealousy appears when there is the presence of a rival or threat,” says Raquel Martin, PhD. a licensed clinical psychologist, professor, and scientist. If you’re only mildly jealous, you might not do anything. But if you perceive the threat as high, you might actually try to disrupt the situation. 

Say you, your friend, and the co-worker they won’t stop talking about meet for drinks, and the two of them are trading tons of inside jokes from their job. You may deem the threat as high—feeling anxious, betrayed, sad, and angry. You might focus your attention on your friend, trying everything you can to get more of their attention, like planning events you know the work friend can’t come to or just not inviting them at all. Or maybe you focus on the threat, trying to legit break them up as friends. All of this happens because you perceived a threat to your relationship with your friend. “Once the thought popped into your head that your friend may like your coworker more, jealousy mode was activated,” says Dr. Martin

So while both jealousy and envy involve wanting something that someone else has—like an opportunity, relationship, or, uh, a house—it’s usually only with jealousy that you’ll have thoughts like: Why am I not good enough for that role? What do they have that I don’t? Are they going to leave me for someone else?

Here’s how to dig into those feels.

If you can’t figure out how you’re feeling, it’s hard to know what will help you feel better, Dr. Martin says. Dr. Douglas agrees: “Identifying the difference between envy and jealousy can help us process our emotions more quickly and with more clarity,” she says. If you’re feeling envy, you can start processing it by acknowledging what you want that you don’t yet have, says Dr. Douglas. 

With jealousy, examining yours can help you uncover the areas in your life where you’re feeling “less than,” threatened, or slighted. “These feelings can cause deep pain and should be addressed sooner rather than later so that more permanent jealousy or bitterness does not set in,” Dr. Douglas notes. That might look like asking yourself if you need to be more assertive about your needs within a personal or professional relationship or setting, making sure others are treating you with respect, and doing some inner work to heal from old traumas or mistakes, so you can move forward with less jealousy, she advises.

When it comes to dealing with the resentment that comes with jealousy, Dr. Martin suggests asking yourself some questions to identify the roots of what you’re feeling, like: What makes you feel that this person doesn’t deserve what they have? Do you actually think the person doesn’t deserve what they have or do you just not like that person? And if so, why are they still in your life? We tend to keep people around for a reason, so this last one is pretty telling.

“You also have to make it a point to address yourself in the situation,” Dr. Martin says, which isn’t always easy. So your bestie is building a bond with someone new and it’s eating away at you. Why? Is it because you think you’re growing apart and this solidifies that for you? Is it because you are having trouble making new friendships and you don’t want your only strong one being taken away? Or is it because her new friend really is amazing and you want to be as amazing as her?

What to do (and what not to do) the next time you’re feeling envy or jealousy: 

First, let us just reiterate that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you for feeling either of these emotions—both jealousy and envy are valid, universal feelings. “Humans across cultures feel them, and in the case of jealousy, even other species—chimps, cows, mustangs, dolphins—feel it too,” says Dr. Krems. They serve an evolutionary function! “Knowing this can lessen our fears that feeling them means there’s something abnormal, wrong, or bad about us,” she says.  

So let’s stop judging ourselves and instead focus on what we can learn from this. “If you are feeling envy or jealousy, that is your brain giving you a message that you would like something in your life to change,” Dr. Douglas says.

So how do we do that? Start here:

Don’t push them away and pretend they don’t exist. 

We can all agree that “Oh, don’t be jealous!” has literally never been helpful advice. That’s because trying to ignore our feelings rarely works, and it’s no surprise that that’s the case with envy and jealousy. “Instead, create space to listen to what your feelings are trying to tell you, so that you can create a life that is more satisfying and whole,” says Dr. Douglas.

Do remind yourself that social media highlight reels are not reality. 

If you’re feeling more envy than you’d like, it’s not like there aren’t reasons. “The negative effects of jealousy and envy are increasing with social media,” Dr. Douglas points out. It’s impossible not to scroll through IG and assume everyone you know is blissfully happy, winning at life, and traveling 24/7, but these are their highlight reels, not their reality. Ditto for the world of online dating—or, more specifically, finding out that the person you’ve gone on five great dates with is still swiping away out there. So pay attention to how scrolling and swiping are making you feel and take breaks for your own mental well-being.

Do use envy as a motivator.  

“Envy means that someone has something that you want,” says Dr. Martin. “This also means that you  know what you want, so let’s start there.” You don’t have to feel bad or act in a malicious way—just because someone else has it doesn’t mean that you can’t get it as well. But now that you know what you want, you can take small steps to figure out how to get it for yourself, says Dr. Martin. If you want to nab the big opportunities your coworker is getting, pitch more ideas in meetings, and practice them with someone in your circle first so you nail the delivery. Not only will taking action help you feel more in control, but you’ll be working toward getting more of what you want.

The post The Real Difference Between Envy and Jealousy appeared first on Wondermind.